The days in between....

Phew... to sit and just type at my laptop.. haven't done that in a minute.. truth it's probably going to take me weeks to complete this blog.. but oh well. It's not about how fast, its about getting it done.
I have been on an adventure in self discovery since shaving my head for St. Baldricks in March.. I know it was a great noble thing to do.. and it was for an amazing charity.. but what most don't know, or may not get.. is that wasn't the main reason I did it.
Yes it taught my boys  to follow through, to make a difference.. that mom is some sort of crazy chick that says on March 8th I will we bald.. and at their age it's OK, , they don't fully get the magnitude of cancer and the destruction, and devastation. But when they are older they will understand. Those dots will  connect and mean more then just a hair cut. The acceptance that one of my boys may have died.
When you wrap your brain around it.. it's hard to figure out.. It's hard to explain anyone can tell me anything but if you haven't done it , dealt with it, or feel it... it really goes nowhere.
I saw how something so powerful can harbor great demons in you without even realizing.  On March 8th.. I let all that shit go.
I LET IT GO!
Five long years of harboring pain, resentment, fear... sadness...it was time... I look at those photos and I see the pain fall away... slowly.
Of course, I know that is just a small start.. but it opened the flood gates.I learned who will be there to support me, and my family. I learned that all the things I want and dream for us are possible.. it takes work, dedication and patience.
I made a friend whom I wouldn't want to lose, not now, not ever.
I started to take care of myself.. stopped the excuses of ,I am tired, I am this, I am that.. BULLSHIT. I am just being lazy..
Fuck that.. I want it all back.
And so that began the journey...
Now I have been spending my time with those who love me for me.. it may be a small circle of amazing women.. and my Best Friend  of all, my main man, my other half... my picked me up when I was broken and hung on for 12 years, Michael. He doesn't even realize how just giving me that hour of getting in shape has saved my soul.
I have been seeing an old friend struggle to overcome addiction while keeping my sobriety, it might hurt her that I can't be a better friend, but I can't keep taking care of everyone anymore.
I have been battling a horrible temper in my child. I am realizing he is my child for a reason.. No one else.. can handle this boy the way i can or will. ..I  was chosen to be his mother.. I am also choosing to read and educate myself and follow through.
It's never easy.. those who say it is . .LIE
Now since April I began running/fast walking /crossfit... eating good. Avoiding any and all garbage I can. I hope that once that pattern is set in stone.. My kids and Husfriend will follow my lead.and like dogs the pack needs a leader.... I have been the chosen one.
That also is Hard. And if anyone tells me its easy.. Fuck you. It's not. ( said with a smile of course)
We will also have some good friends move away this summer... to begin a new adventure for their family. I am excited for them.. I can't wait to see what evolves. I am heart broken.. but that will heal too.
I hope that the good ones that have come into my life and the boys lives are here for a while longer.. I think the lessons here is the Days in between.
For me the days in between mean this.....
Love your self.
tell your self it's ok.
screw up.
It's ok when your children have episodes. ( its' not everyday you lose an eye)
make up.
Tell those who matter, they do.
and for those who know me... hang on tight.
my ride is never smooth.. it's bumpy,, crazy and sometimes the best ride ever..
Ok burpee time...
I know right.. BURPEE?
:)
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