PEACE OUT 2010

Truth be told, This is the fifth time I have tried to write this post, every time I have gotten close to being done, the boys erase it... so here goes my last attempt. 


My ode to 2010 and welcome to 2011...
I am making a list of things that are not going to be in my life this new year, and hope that inside me I find the strength and will to follow thru, and not back down.


1) I am totally ridding all toxic energy from my life.. so if your a person and you cause harm, drama, or annoy me or my family ( poof your gone) 


2) Toxic food...this is going to be the toughest on me... I eat poorly.. I am not over weight but, I doubt my arteries are liking what I am doing to them.... I know that eating better will in turn enrich my kids, because they might actually see.. "woah this stuff isn't too bad"


3) this year 1/19 will mark my fourth year of the family and Retinoblastoma... so I think it's time I find some peace.  We have been blessed since 2/24/08 with out any more tumors and Dylan has not been affected at all. So, I think that Letting it go will help me move forward in a lot of avenues.  I have found a therapist who is willing to work with me, so this adventure should be interesting.. to say the least.


4) I am going to love harder,  play harder, read more , laugh more and maybe even relax a little bit more.. if at all possible. I will begin my parenting with a kinder and gentler approach to parenting.  I hope that the abuse both their father and I endured in our lifetime and our parents in theirs will be put to end .  I believe the cycle ends here with our choices. 


and that's just it...
2011 bring it.. the good, the bad, the trying.. all of it.  I know that I have been thru a lot over the past four years.. and short of going crazy,  I think my mantra.. " yo, you got this "... will get me through another year.

It's gonna be a "New Year"

So now that Christmas is over, the presents have all been unwrapped and the boys are playing more with each other then any toy or game in the house, I sit back and drink this warm cup of coffee and think of all the things that have gone on this past year... 2010.

I think the hardest part of this year is every Eye exam that the twins undergo, but hearing that there have been NO TUMORS is always a lifting feeling.. yet somehow the despair and anger still subsides in my heart.  When will that ache leave? will it ever? I removed myself from so many RB Cancer groups, just so I could try to let go of the pain and heartache that I hold on to.  Graham is three, he doesn't hold on to much resentment, anger or fear... Why should I ?

I still wish after almost 4 years now that we were never touched with this horrible disease.  I read so many updates on families with little ones that have earned their "wings" this year and cry like a fool.  I am grateful to hold my guy everyday.. both of them.  I am grateful that I was able to detect something wrong and demand getting it addressed.. because I see what the outcomes could have been.  My heart breaks for those other families.. and some I have grown to know over the last few years, just because we share that horrible thing in common.. CANCER.

2010...

The singing and dancing that we endure almost everyday, the laughter, the tempers, the daring moves of the amazing duo.. the EPIC age of three.. ha, I used my most hated word  for the year.  I know that motherhood/ parenting is never too easy, and if it is then something is usually going on that shouldn't be... example if the twins are awake and quiet, that usually equals some sort of messy mess that they have created ( eggs, butter, nesquick, flour, shaving cream, lotion.. just to name of few of the things I have had to clean up this year) 

I have grown in a spiritual way this year, because I have been reminded time and time again thru the kindness of others that good people still exist.. they just don't advertise.

Sometimes I sit back and look at all the would have, could have's, and really  glad that I did it all just the way I did.  After all I wouldn't be who I am with out those.  I have began doing Yoga again to find that balance that the libra in me needs.  It also brings piece of mind when I feel I need it most. 

I plan on getting a new tattoo in 2011..  it will represent, the past the present and the future.  It's very fitting, and will be a reminder that I can let a lot of the past go, hold on tight to the present and the future will work it'self out. 

I wish that 2011 will be an easier year on us financially, but that never happens... so someone please send me some lottery tickets.

Liberation of The Mind

Every so often In my life I go through this thought process... 

It starts off with me questioning, "What do you do for me?" if the answers are negative I drop you like a bad habit.

I don't know if that is a good thing nor if it's bad... some would say I am cold or fickle, I just say like it is.

Your no good for me, you do nothing but cause toxic energy to fill my head.. and I have had enough Toxic energy for my lifetime..

It also dawned on my that I am such a loner... I realized I don't really hold too many people really close to me.

I think I went down one too many a path of destruction in my life and now I have too many trust issues...

hmmmmmmmmmm

close circle

that's my excuse to stay alone and not people really get to know me.. Maybe one of these day's I will just forgive myself and liberate my mind, spirit and soul. 

Woke Up This Mornin' With Tune Stuck In My Head

I woke up this morning with a tune stuck in my head.  I hum it as i make the coffee, as the boys pee in the potty, as I gaze out the window of, wait for it, MORE SNOW!!
I love music, it drives me, it inspires me, it really hits me when I am up or when I am down...
What is the tune? What is the tune?
Sometimes when I am alone I totally belt out songs in the car like I am giving a concert to anyone that will listen.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh....
What is the tune?
I love that the boys love music, they sing and imitate the singers voices to the best of their abilities... it's too darn cute.
My my my... 
What is the tune?
The tune? 
The tune?
The tune?
It's my tune... It's always stuck in my head.. it's my mantra, my spirit...
What is the the tune?
YO YOU GOT THIS...

it's about that time...

I decided to break down... begin to explore the art of letting it all out.  I am not sure how or why it matters, but, What I do know is that it is not fair to keep it all locked up inside, be it good, bad, crazy, wild or just fucked up.
I have thoughts, I need to express them.. I read so many well written blogs.. This is not a competition it's just me.
I hope to share stories of life, occasional poetry, adventures in parenting, friendships, love, loss the whole bit..

So... my gift to me...LETTING IT OUT.