ramble

 the coolest thing about hanging with the twins before bedtime, is the games we play just the three of us, and lately the boys have developed this awesome technique in making each other feel good, by each narrating what were building and how to do it.. we count the blocks and build different structures and count the blocks til our towers tumble.. it's just great going around this tiny circle of our own special game...cheering each other on, and saying things like, "nuts", "maybe next time", 'oh I loss, No big deal"... seems like alot of our activity and home school time, makes the world of difference...
putting them to bed and getting extra tight snuggle time, then I look and see these two four year olds being the best they can be, and trying to just figure out, how I can make it better.... bigger and better~
Or should i just be happy, I am doing the best I can... the best~
All this talk about Santa watching, makes wonders for getting them to "behave" so, maybe every month I should just throw out a Character who's watching them, and see where it leads...
Eventually, I hope all these small lessons, and moments will make a world of difference, when they brave the big "PRE-K".. right, because this is where I differ from most, I don't need that "break", and I don't my need to worry about their every move for two hours with a stranger, is suppose to be "me time", my me time is now.. when they are tucked safely in bed, and I get to sip on a glass of ice cold water, and store bought, horrible for you, but expires Thursday so I have to drink it.... eGG nog.
I smile because this year, this Christmas, our tree is decorated with so many things they have made, and I scream of excitement inside, because I know that we will have years more to make, and pick, and eventually have a tree so big, we will have to take 5 hours to decorate.. lol
whatever it takes, I just love our bond! It's so unique and wonderful, every night before bed we all discuss our day, and what we did.. they say what the observed, and sometimes their observations can bring mama into check, I know no parents are perfect, but most are out trying everything possible just to maintain that back yard, and here we are just dreaming of having the back yard.. to worry about losing it....
this is what I call a ramble blog... one in which i just type the thoughts that pop in my head, and don't care whether u read it and give a shit or just think.. wow, Liz is onto something today...
either way, with Michael working the third shift.. i stay up soo much later, I feel like I have to remain in "mom guard mode" cuz at night things seem... not so right.
I have the best security.. Saki and now Buddy... although, Buddy is quite the lets lay in my lap or bark at me from a distance pup.. but he's getting better everyday...
I don't know where this is going.. so I am going to stop the ramble...
it goes on and on..
:

Shit and STuff

Wow, it has been some crazy few days in my head... then last night I get this huge reminder of why I am so glad I know what clean is.  Having clarity, and thoughts that matter.  I dug deep to find my happy place, that special place where the sunshines bright.. and warm........



I sit here and contemplate why even after nine years, I can still beat myself up about things.. oh I know, because they don't lie when they tell you that drugs destroy your body, they aren't making that shit up.
I often wonder if I am the only one who shivers when I see a hypodermic needle, or get confused when there is a tinfoil on the ground... or gaze at the ghetto and feel this strange lurking?
I know I am not alone, and that recovery is a forever thing.. I have this joy since sobriety, finding that inner peace and will and knowing that I wouldn't be who I am today if not for the things that I did when I was young and thought It was all fun.. all the while I simply just hated myself...
I will never fully ever understand the whys, or the hows, and I really don't even like to dwell on it.
I am ever so proud thou of the TODAY!
I live for today, I live for tomorrow, I am proud that I could change me to become the things I was destined to be....
I get lost sometimes, because I wonder, what if they knew, would they even want to like me today?
I am a different woman then I was then... in so many ways, I get shivers now just thinking about it, this amazing woman has been inside me all these years.. yet I get caught up in sick thinking, and obsessive nature...
I lose me when I let things get out of my hands... but I know what is in my hands.
So, as I contemplate what great things I have today, I sit now and think ... what the fuck was I thinking?

Why...