it is what it is

She sits on the bus stop bench, torn, bruised and broken waiting... All the violence and pain creeps up on her and drives by.
She's still waiting, sitting, dreaming of that day when it stops and picks up her and her dream.
The dream to get away for a minute, jump on the number 10 and never look back.  The dark alley ways, they'll just get darker, she wont be there though.  She wont die there, she'll get on her bus and go.
Every stop gets brighter and brighter, she'll pick up wisdom between here and there.  The ride yes it's bumpy, hot and sometimes crowded, but across the way she will find warmth, in an other person's eyes.
The bus stop. The bench is broken and scarred, but a memory and dream is born there everyday, by two or three hundred dreamers who hold the same dream of getting away and being free.
To a place far away from the darkness. Somewhere to run and play. 
Just think it all started one single day when a woman sat down on the bench and prayed that she would someday find away where things would be okay... At the bus stop, look for me, dreaming of a place.. where we can all be free.

xxx

The Power of Three

For years and years, my number it's been three. 
If you ask me why I wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer.
Have you ever felt like smashing something into peices and then calmly counting to three?
Amazing isn't it?
ha
This week I realized something ...
1/19 marked three years to the date, that I took Graham to the Doctor for his wellness check up at his five month mark, bringing to his attention the flicker I kept seeing in his left eye... I remember being ignored and blown off, as if it wasn't at all a big deal...
I remember leaving that day, knowing that I had a gut feeling, something wasn't right, a  light reflection would not be the cause of what  his father and I were seeing, and went back to the office..
Demanded we see a specialist.. sure we had to wait for the appointment..
the would have, could have, should have.. always gets me.
Those three things.. woulda, shoulda, coulda...
I hate the month of Feburary more than January 19, 2008.
It changed our lives forever, It saved Graham's life, but ,scarred me... and that's ok.  I know that now.
I can be mad, angry, sad, emotional... I am allowed.
Retinoblastoma was not my fault.  It was nothing we could do to prevent, or change or watch out for...
So, three years later, how do I feel?
ha ... good question.
How don't I feel? better question.
 answer... need not apply.
Graham is an amazing little boy, his heart is golden, his spirit is moving, his laughter breaks me down to feeling like I am a three year old most days...Just the thought of him possibly not being here with me and his brother makes me want to puke. It is something I can't imagine, and never want to, and lucky for us, I don't have to.
This new tattoo I got this week on his anniversary date... of that, is (past present future) ...
let go of the past
enjoy the present
and embrace the future...
3
crazy thing is though.. it is not always that easy.

Let Him be

When I find myself with circumcisers
Angry and confronting me,
I try speaking words of wisdom - let him be.
And when they speak their dark myths
While they're standing right in front of me
I try speaking words of wisdom - let him be.

Let him be, let him be.
I whisper words of wisdom - let him be.

And when the hard-hearted people
Take the time to try to see,
There's a simple answer - let him be.
For though they may be guarded,
There is still a chance that they'll agree
There's a simple answer - let him be.

Let him be, let him be,
Let him be, oh, let him be.
There's a simple answer - let him be.

And though their thoughts seem cloudy
There is still a light for all to see
Shine truth until tomorrow - let him be.
Please wake up to the sound of reason,
Mother, Father, come to see
And speak those words of wisdom - let him be.

Let him be, let him be.
There's a simple answer - let him be.
Let him be, let him be.
Yes, whisper words of wisdom, let him be...
**
This is one of the most well written things, that are pararllel to parenting....
we are embracing change.. sound of reason...

Balance or Imbalanced?

........
Balance a rare art form that most mothers seem to fake until they make it.  I don't care what anyone says, I know deep down inside we all lose it.  We might be in the grocery store hoping that this will be the one trip when we don't have to buy some sort of food to give the children to just remain happy and allow the trip to just go "smoothly",so we don't have to leave groceries in the cart and escort ourselves out the door with children in hand screaming, or  just maybe this time when we say, No more, they actually get it... 
Or maybe it's just me.. 
I find that now that the twins are three, they can be much more challenging of their will over my way.  I see such creativity and determination in their eyes, and most times it's to get their way.  I know that that makes them amazing and smart and even at times cunning and manipulative... all in those little bodies with  adorable faces, with smiles that melt my heart and then I remember, they have 1/2 of my DNA racing through those thoughts and actions... 
I struggle to find that balance.. when they act out, when they hit me or use their "evil voices" to tell me to go to timeout, I have to wonder, when did you two at three, become the parent? How is it that you are telling me what to do? What happened?
Oh I know what happened... Somewhere, some how, I got soft.  I started to let them rule me, for lack of a better phrase,and now that I see the results of these actions, I struggle to get back the balance, the unity, the peace.
I sometimes cry, not because I am sad, but because I think I am not doing this right. What am I doing wrong? Does sibling rivalry really have to be this dramatic?  I can't believe that two little boys can break me down.
But they do.  I am aware and now I am determined to find balance to restore my sanity.  
I keep telling myself.. it's winter, it's cabin fever, they are boys, blah blah blah.. but I need to become more proactive... I am going to approach the next few weeks with a different plan.  I wont acknowledge the yelling and crying just to get their way.. I will take away toys if they are used as weapons. When I say no, I wont cave in 15 minutes later and give in to pacify the tears.  I will continue to love hard, play hard and laugh.  
I wont let them see me cry... I will win this war.

 this is not suppose to be this cute.....

an ode to being spacey

I should have known better.
I never remember the things that matter.
I wish I could take it back.
I have somehow loss all grammar and spelling skills.
I don't understand why you never get it.
I really want a diet coke.
I really want to eat something with all kinds of sugar and tasty goodness.
I am not really sure why Glee makes me smile.
I find it comical that nights when everyone is asleep but me, all I hear is thoughts racing thru my head rather than silence.
I don't know if many people can handle me.
I don't think I can handle many people.
I wonder if I am anti~social, but not on purpose, by accident.
Is anything really an accident?
Where are my keys? Why can't I ever find my phone ?
Do I even want it?
Did someone see my diet coke? Oh wait, there isn't any... none at all... so tempted to drive to the Thortons just for a sip. I feel like a ,you know, I am funky not a junky but I know to get it bit...
I was driving yesterday morning with the twins in the car, listening to old Grateful Dead tunes.. and totally forgot where we were going, but it was awesome, because the three of us were singing our hearts out... to " cold rain and snow" and you know when Jerry just belts out his chorus, the boys do to and it gives me chills.
That's just me getting caught up in the joys of being a Mom, with kids that love music.. thank you powers that be for that one.
Then today when  I was putting away laundry, the boys got very, very quiet, I knew at that moment something was brewing... and what did I discover??
Two adorable blondes, covered in Orange paint.
All this while I am humming along in the closet putting away laundry, that I forgot I had even washed on SUnday...
ODE TO SPACE...
bring back my phone, my keys, my senses... If you stumble upon a DC drop it on my door step.
For now.. this space cadet is hitting the sheets.. yes

PEACE OUT 2010

Truth be told, This is the fifth time I have tried to write this post, every time I have gotten close to being done, the boys erase it... so here goes my last attempt. 


My ode to 2010 and welcome to 2011...
I am making a list of things that are not going to be in my life this new year, and hope that inside me I find the strength and will to follow thru, and not back down.


1) I am totally ridding all toxic energy from my life.. so if your a person and you cause harm, drama, or annoy me or my family ( poof your gone) 


2) Toxic food...this is going to be the toughest on me... I eat poorly.. I am not over weight but, I doubt my arteries are liking what I am doing to them.... I know that eating better will in turn enrich my kids, because they might actually see.. "woah this stuff isn't too bad"


3) this year 1/19 will mark my fourth year of the family and Retinoblastoma... so I think it's time I find some peace.  We have been blessed since 2/24/08 with out any more tumors and Dylan has not been affected at all. So, I think that Letting it go will help me move forward in a lot of avenues.  I have found a therapist who is willing to work with me, so this adventure should be interesting.. to say the least.


4) I am going to love harder,  play harder, read more , laugh more and maybe even relax a little bit more.. if at all possible. I will begin my parenting with a kinder and gentler approach to parenting.  I hope that the abuse both their father and I endured in our lifetime and our parents in theirs will be put to end .  I believe the cycle ends here with our choices. 


and that's just it...
2011 bring it.. the good, the bad, the trying.. all of it.  I know that I have been thru a lot over the past four years.. and short of going crazy,  I think my mantra.. " yo, you got this "... will get me through another year.

It's gonna be a "New Year"

So now that Christmas is over, the presents have all been unwrapped and the boys are playing more with each other then any toy or game in the house, I sit back and drink this warm cup of coffee and think of all the things that have gone on this past year... 2010.

I think the hardest part of this year is every Eye exam that the twins undergo, but hearing that there have been NO TUMORS is always a lifting feeling.. yet somehow the despair and anger still subsides in my heart.  When will that ache leave? will it ever? I removed myself from so many RB Cancer groups, just so I could try to let go of the pain and heartache that I hold on to.  Graham is three, he doesn't hold on to much resentment, anger or fear... Why should I ?

I still wish after almost 4 years now that we were never touched with this horrible disease.  I read so many updates on families with little ones that have earned their "wings" this year and cry like a fool.  I am grateful to hold my guy everyday.. both of them.  I am grateful that I was able to detect something wrong and demand getting it addressed.. because I see what the outcomes could have been.  My heart breaks for those other families.. and some I have grown to know over the last few years, just because we share that horrible thing in common.. CANCER.

2010...

The singing and dancing that we endure almost everyday, the laughter, the tempers, the daring moves of the amazing duo.. the EPIC age of three.. ha, I used my most hated word  for the year.  I know that motherhood/ parenting is never too easy, and if it is then something is usually going on that shouldn't be... example if the twins are awake and quiet, that usually equals some sort of messy mess that they have created ( eggs, butter, nesquick, flour, shaving cream, lotion.. just to name of few of the things I have had to clean up this year) 

I have grown in a spiritual way this year, because I have been reminded time and time again thru the kindness of others that good people still exist.. they just don't advertise.

Sometimes I sit back and look at all the would have, could have's, and really  glad that I did it all just the way I did.  After all I wouldn't be who I am with out those.  I have began doing Yoga again to find that balance that the libra in me needs.  It also brings piece of mind when I feel I need it most. 

I plan on getting a new tattoo in 2011..  it will represent, the past the present and the future.  It's very fitting, and will be a reminder that I can let a lot of the past go, hold on tight to the present and the future will work it'self out. 

I wish that 2011 will be an easier year on us financially, but that never happens... so someone please send me some lottery tickets.