The trip...

I should start this by saying, being that I am a world traveler, and was blessed as a kid to see all of the U.S I never quite realized that traveling with your off spring would be soooooooooooo much work, I thought having parasites in Morocco was tough, but umm nope the twins topped that one!'

This trip was quite the adventure, the memories to last forever, the laughter, the lovin, the smiles, the meltdowns (yes meltdowns), the lessons, the animals, the wonder, the sights, the thoughts.. and lets not forget the amazing people...

We arrived and had a plan, always leave with a plan right? sure... but remember our lives never roll on a plan........... NOTHING is ever PLANNED~
I learned that the day I found out we were having twins...

So after day one of getting settled into the new environment , explored the village, ate some much needed ice cream, rode a train and then rested up, and started the next day fresh with our Plan...
Ha, the Plan... sooooooooooooo we arrived at WDW.. mission accomplished we made it, let the games begin.. let the laughter start, the smiles grow the Magic happen... ( oh yeah lets not forget about the magic right?)  Well first thing first, the twins ran through those gates, we could barely keep up with them, what did they run straight for? Of course the castle...
the show was going on, ohh the excitement... until...
Captain HOOK............. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I have never seen these two so scared in my life.  I thought to myself ( they'll get over it) nope.
From that moment on, any and every character that was on the cobble stone road, or near a ride was totally getting the, Lets hid our body under mommy or daddy's shirt.. oh yeah, you haven't heard, extra body heat is amazing when your dripping sweat and dehydrated.
So to quickly distract the situation, we moved on.. after the fireworks and song and dance was over, let the rides begin....
and they did just that, rode all the rides we were big enough to enjoy, over and over.... the smiles, priceless, the love, endless.... and then the heat won the war.
Hot, cranky, tired and over it... the MELTDOWNS began... you dropped and ice cube, scream, the lady said next rocket ship.. meltdown, the mickey mouse doll is 200.00, meltdown, the real Mickey mouse wants to say hi.. MELTDOWN... you get the picture right?
soooooooooo after 5 hours.. done.
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ride back to village, all is well, belly full, thirst quenched.. and stimulation overload done.
Day two.. forget the Magic of Magic kingdom lets gooooooooooo meet some alligators, Gatorland here we come,having an inside scoop on sneaking in the hot dogs, we did just that...
Now alligator's, that's their element for sure... the screeching sounds of laughter and excitement was awesome, seeing those monsters tear apart a hot dog, and hearing the boys cheer, priceless.
Then the crazy eyed goats, lets have a feeding frenzy, ice cream cones filled with pellets, and an hour of excitement.. so be it. They loved every moment of that, as mommy watched from a distance cuz the goat's eyes freak me out... yeah, I know I am such a odd ball. :)
Then we held a baby alligator, and a boa constrictor, and played splash safari madness with all the other hot kids, and went on our way... Good times.
Later we visited Epcot, awesome, despite the never ending supply of buy me, on every corner... the boys really enjoyed visiting China, Dylan actually cheered YAAAAAAAAAAY for China during the whole presentation.. Graham kept reminding me that I needed to be still... and guess what, I did.  For the 12 minute presentation on China, I was just that .. Still.
We eventually hit up Sea World, fed dolphins and sea lions, watched the penguins stare at the walls, and had to answer the never ending questions for the boys, why are these animals trapped here?
Good lesson huh? ( not sure about that, just yet)
Sea World was tough, the MELTDOWN returns.... why? because we can't ride the twisting, crazy loop to loop roller coaster, ummmmmmmmmmm yeah, after that meltdown I almost wished they could ride it just so they could see what being terrified was like.. for that moment.
They got over it, forgot about it.. and we went on to enjoy our day..
Finally after another adventure at a farm, not quite like the farms in the Midwest, but a farm non the less....
bison, pigs, goats, cows, lamas, milking a cow, bunnies, the hay ride, and lets not forget yet another awesome train ride... soooooooooo 3.5 hours later of kick ass petting zoo adventures.. we headed back to swim, swim swim...
Graham's trip, Graham's choices.... WHere did he want to go? The beach... so, the last two days we spent in Florida were in Clearwater Beach. I have to say, watching your children roll around in soft white sand, dance and swim in the ocean, and see the sun set in the Gulf... is absolutly amazing.
I swear if you could hear them cackle at every wave that hit their bellies, your heart would melt.
I of course made a new friend, she was like my long loss tattoo soul sista, we found a conch, and again I was reminded how sometimes you find the coolest people, when you aren't lookin~

So this is the short version of the trip.. the details are slim, but the memories are awesome.. if you know me, you know I take the good with the bad, and the ugly with out even breaking my stride, this was no different... Not at all.
So when I say I don't believe we ever are made to follow a PLan, I mean it whole heartily.. my boys are no different, they roll with the punches, and things work out soo much better when we just let it ride.
I said I don't believe in magic, I don't.
I do believe thou, that good people helped us get there, and now back here... sooooooooooooo what's next? not sure
NOT EVEN MAKIN A PLAN..

The waves, we decided as a family, take away all the negative energy and leave you with positive, so together,  we let go of a lot of bad and kept all the good.

Our last sun set....
Peace out Florida

timing

truth is, everyone get's hurt
people change...
sometimes we are challenged only to win.
I don't always believe everything I hear...
I don't believe everything I see...
I wonder often if matching is an artform.. (laughing)
did the old lady at the Little Ceasars care that I opened the door for her?
does laughter really soothe the soul, or does music get the win?

Breaking the Shell

Slowly but surely, I am breaking that shell.  Today, something so simple made me have a new outlook, on life, coincidence and just being me.
It had been awhile since I had taken the kiddos to Proctor Park, today, the weather was perfect and the mood struck, so after an amazing lunch we headed out.
I use to dread going there, just because most of our time was spent sitting at the war monument throwing stones... We have finally out grown that aspect of the park, YAY!
Today was different, once we arrived Graham was immediately drawn to a woman with a handsome dog, Tito, " I wanna pet the dog mommy" I simply said, go for it, just ask her if it's ok... who would have known that would have started the next hour in a half of adventure with boys, toads, and rocks! :) With Lots and lots of Laughter.
Life is filled with so many strange cosmic commons.. I met a Liz, who is a mother of twin boys, they were 5, and had a best friend Tristan, who was just as much a brother to them as best friends can be. I watched them all interact... Liz was great, she was so much like me, The twins were drawn to her, they of course, smiled and charmed her.. like they do all women ;).
 I think  twin mom's have a different jive with one another, not to be offensive to singleton moms, it's just a fact. 
We joked about never being prepared, and dumping poop out of underwear, and letting the boys water the grass, and laughed because we know it's OK!  Who's judging us anyway? I learned that sometimes talking to another woman, who is just as happy to be with her kids as you are with yours is an AWESOME feeling.
The boys had a blast, I learned about baby toads, tadpoles, tiny pebbles can be used for rock rain, burial of bodies, and make shift construction work... and most of all, to suck it up, and get dirty, city slickers like me, need to get dirty.
 We almost had a few deaths of the baby toads, my boys kept thinking like spiders it was something to squish, and it seemed so much fun to shake them in a bucket, but Liz explained to them in a different fashion that they were nice....
I met a person who treated my kids like I expect them to be treated, a total stranger shared her Mt. Dew and took the time to learn about us, as I learned about them.
I Hope we made some new friends today, I cherish having moments with the kids that keep them engaged in activity.  I love meeting moms who think like me, "this time we have with them is priceless, so lets make it count".  I  am so glad that I am raising my kids and not depending on anyone else to do so. 
Yes, we suffer, having little expendable cash and eating at home a lot.. but who cares? In the long run, they wont remember all the superficial stuff, they will remember all the quality time.
Tonight Dylan and Graham asked me one question,
" Mommy, can we go back to the park to meet more big kids to catch froggies?".
I simply said, hell yeah!
Next time we will bring our own nets!
So today, I say this, There is no such thing as limitations.. childhood is a one shot deal, I want my boys to have the best, make it count, they only get one right? So my job is to make sure it is as Kick ass as possible.
Summer is so full of swimming, tanning in our undies, blowing bubbles, laughing out loud, learning new songs from their favorite artist, sure I influence their music taste but hell, it's better than wheels on the bus..
Sooooooooooooooo with that said, I bid you goodnight..

awakening

This little boy is my Hero! My amazing son, Graham,  He was so proud of himself, He walked his survivor lap with his juice box in one hand and his metal in the other, he was beaming, giving people High fives, and HOPE! I heard a few people tell me this weekned that they didn't envy me, and nor should they.  I met a complete stranger who told me that I shouldn't stop speaking, and sharing our story, and that I was a decent public speaker, as I stood with my son by my side and he did nothing but be himself, and as if he was possessed by a power greater than himself, after telling our story, I picked him up and he yells into the microphone, "I am a survivor!"  Needless to say, I think most people cried!  I needed to participate in this Relay for Life event this year, because it's been three years since Graham's diagnosis, and I had a lot of healing to do.  I needed to let a lot out, and let it go.. I did that night... Here a just a couple of shots of the lit lumineers.... I still tear up thinking bout it.  We had about 15 for Graham.. and that touched my heart!

Over 2000 bags lit in honor of those who have survived and those we have loss to CANCER!



I may never understand why us, , why my son, why your mom, or your aunt or your best friend, husband, child, wife, cousin whomever we may know... I don't think I am suppose to.  I learned this weekend, that I can find strength in myself, and strangers ... and  Friends show up when you need them most!

It does stink.. but, it doesn't stop!

Things they say

she said she was, "fed up, done, over it".. that she needed to "Find the strength to let him go"...
but,she hasn't. 

he told me,"you missed the boat on that one"

she says,"your my best friend"

he say's,"I love you"

"please", "thank you"

"ha, you're amazing"

"you're such a strong woman"

"only you understand me"

these are just a few of the things I have heard lately..
I wonder thou, sometimes when people share thoughts, and fears and emotions.. what they are looking for in return?
I wonder, are we just all waiting for the puzzle piece that fits us just so?
To know that finally we are not alone in are thinking? For me,most of the time my thinking is sooooo off, when someone clicks with me, I almost instantly catch myself wanting to do back flips because, they get it!!
What is IT? well it's me!
I don't need a translator.
I totally feel the whole, if you;re not with me you are against me, because in my life it has always been so true.
this is going nowhere..
I just wanted to find out from people, do you get excited when you find people who get it?
Get you?
I do!

a little piece of mind

Do you see what I see?
This foot? It leaves a mark, it touches many people.... sooooooooooooooooo often. Blink and you'll miss it.

This is a venting session... one that needs to get out, out of my head, it will stay in my heart, but it needs out of my head...
"are you single?"
" do they see their dad on the weekend?"
"it must be hard raising twin boys alone"
...
    Welcome to my world.... nope not single,  yup the boys see their Dad on the weekends, and yes, it sure as fuck is hard raising twin boys alone.
Doesn't make sense does it?
NO.... NO....... I have always been in relationships that are unhealthy.. having children doesn't change that... it only changes me.
I  am the best mother, he's the sometimes best game, I am the healer, the calmer downer, the bedtime routine, the bath, the dinner, lunch and breakfast, the park, the museum, the zoo, the walk, the teacher of skipping stones, the hide and seek, the computer games, the abc's the potty trainer, the world....... I am the mother!
Does it make me angry?
Sometimes.. do I cry? sometimes... is it gonna break me? HELL NO!
I am not the one missing out here folks...
 I just hope that he realizes that he needs to snap out of it...
before someone else scoops me up and does~
and people wonder why I will never get married..
ha, that's laughable..
don't judge me, or feel sorry for me or my kids...  they got the best thing in the world.. ME :) and in return I have that peace.

ramble on rose

Graham you saved my soul

 So lately I have just sat back an thought about so many things, the thoughts that ramble in my mind, the dreams I had, that somehow I let slip away, the courage I use to have, now turned in to  anxiety coupled with fear...
Ever get that feeling when your at a playground with your kiddos, and they are up HIGH ... and you panic... like everything is in slow slow slow motion?
didn't think so...
Do you have an Unexplained fear of someone always out to get you?

My twins saved my life, THEY Saved it.... One of these days I will  be brave enough to share the  details with what I call the average bear, but for now it;s safe in my heart....
I received a balance bracelet .... it's time... I practiced my old Yoga routine last few nights and don't have the balance to even hold a pose.. POISON... yup... my inner peace is destroyed.  



So here is a fucked piece I wrote... don't read into it too much yo..................

Moving forward looking out the broken window, shattered glass all over the dead lawn, tears of freedom , tears waiting to be reborn.  She can't taste tomorrow
and yesterday sucks, so she waits for the mission , her statement, the sometime ,somewhere, good luck. Win some, lose some, money train, ride some, can't be the one to die some tonight. Alone she whispers her anthem in the streets.  A middle class white girl can't talk about growing up in the ghetto, but can tell you the In's and outs of visiting it to buy her a piece of  mind.  It will surely fuck your world up.  It might feel like a slice of pie, sweet for about a week, then everything around you is bitter and well not so sweet.


look into those broken eyes



  My momma once told me that I would never know what love was... I told her I would be the last one standing and the last one to fall... Today I know it's ok to learn by mistakes, just be careful when crossing the broken streets, and don't get stuck in the lies and deception of addiction, it blinds you, destroys you, abruptly nothing matters, not even you.. that street is all you remember the spot, the corner, the hustlers, the gun shots, the deaths, the rape.... fools know, fools fall... Soldiers get back up and make life better...

10 years later.. here I am.... there they are

the best beings in my life! I wouldn't ever trade this for anything!

THIS IS LOVE!! NO DOUBT