tap tap tap

I rant,
I rave.
I write.
I live.
I laugh.
I cry.
I am not perfect. I am not.
I discipline.
I dictate.
I have poor form.
I eat.
I drink.
I I I I I
I need more.

Been a journey

Wow..it's been sometime since I have written.
So much has gone on.
The boys are now seven. First graders with wit, charm and a bit of Mama in them. They still blow my mind with life lessons daily.
I started a fitness journey, three years in the making. Shed a bunch of weight. Lost friends gained some real ones. Life has been up down all around, but I've stayed grounded.whenever I feel like quitting, I remember why I started in the first place.
I starting working after all these years at the boys school and realized that it's really not my thing. I do it to keep a watchful eye over them.. Call it selfishness,it might be, but I don't care. I know they are safe and I still have input on behavior and get to see it with my own two eyes what's going on and I don't have to depend on hearsay. That alone is a blessing.
We are homeowners. Bigger deal. No more apartment life, no more close quarters with strangers and having the stoop where everyone was dumped. Buddy the pup, he's three now and lovable as ever. Sake she's still kicking.. But days I wonder how much time she has left, she surprises me with pep.
The best thing about homeownership, is the freedom to decorate and smile at the sun on my front porch. Not so great part, the odd ball neighbors, the boys so use to close quarters they solely stick with me. But our home isn't anything but everything we ever wanted.
This year I am starting a strict kettlebell workout and hoping to build muscle and gain confidence that I have always had just kept on the back burner.
I hope to utilize my blog more for the moments that need more than a sentence.
Eventually I will finish painting the new walls. Eventually I will hang all our artwork... But for now I take it slow.. I race no one.
So here's to a new year of stories and adventures in the Grateful Mind.
One love.☀️

Peephole dreams.

Reborn, revisited, enlightened to figure out what on early really matters, she says.
The door slams, knocking the wind right out of her fragile frame. I wonder what it's like to be a super hero.
The strolls down the dark street, keeping an eye on all the mother fuckers she meets.
Young lives selling lies on the corners, with guns to pack the heat. Sometimes she ducks in the corner and watches the bullets fly by.. wishing they were just stars shooting in the sky,
As a million others make wishes, she sits and gazes and cries... her world has a different demise.
The darkness invades her eyes, someone set her free.. " What has this darkness done to me?" Strong enough to be what she wants to be, looking in the broken mirror shattered by her fist of fury. What do they really see? when they see me?
A monster? Or a beautiful Me? Dancing in a patch of sunflowers dreaming of the country.
She runs to him, He holds her tight, enough to where she can't breathe. "don't know what is happening to me." she whispers and he laughs. Holds her tighter, they are running out of time.  Existing to exist. His bone breaking, heart crushing smile is on his face... leaving individuals lost in his game of hate.
Darker and darker they both grow. Looking into the ghetto peephole dreams, of little boys and girls crying. Their Mamas on the corners selling blows designed as dreams..to anyone who is still willing to breathe. Once the monsters are loose we see the pity in their eyes.. and wonder often are they still alive.

One day she does escape. Finds the freedom in her soul. Learned to love herself more. Never ashamed, never been so alone.
Remembering often that ghetto peephole.

Her door is much different these days. The worst has made her better.
Do not feel sorry for she, she needs no pity.

guess what? I got hired.

It dawned on me that in a month I will have SIX year olds.. what the hizzay? Where does the time go?  Really?! Where does it go?
I mean I sit here and I think about the years that have come and gone.. and look at what has changed, what has not, what has evolved, what has me stumped and much of it is the same .. but at different stages.. ( if that makes any sense to you, which it wont because you are not me).. anyhow..so it goes.
Like I said, I really enjoy this Job. This gift. This blessing.. This ability to mold, the best way I know how.
this job is called life coach.
this job is called shrink.
this job is called what the fuck...
and so it goes.
One thing I can say.. is I am excited to embrace something unthinkable.
I hope that the ride is fun and easy.. which means, of course it will be a pain in the ass, and there might be nagging, and often. I might scream in the closet when everyone is tucked away doing their own things..
but it must be done. Right now.  I have two of the smartest people around me.
I think it's possible to make good decisions and everyone around me might think I am crazy for wanting to.. but really am I? who gets a say in that ? No one but the man who helped me create them. .Me and . The rest.. NOISE.
I think the greatest thing about Homeschooling.. is I get a chance to prove to the world in a small way, that when you know your kids well.... you will figure out the method. And as a good friend told me.. "trust the process"
I began to" unschool" myself when I became a parent.. It's a tough process. Really
It is doing everything you thought was  suppose to be done. Seeing that is isn't working in your family.. and then trying to figure out how to make it work. Praying the whole time you don't screw them up..
You have kids, you live in this perfect place.. and life is sooooooooooooo wonderful. then you wake up. and that is all true but there is no fenced yard. and you have to budget groceries for the most pickiest of people alive. Handle that ..and you.
I rant.. I write this not for you.. but for me. for me to realize that I can do anything. I can and will most certainly try to. I hate the fact that my boys have a hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot you  get the point.. temper.
I can't change their DNA.. but I can help them learn tools to deal with  it, in a fashion that for now works well.
So when I begin to seem distant over the next nine months.. don't feel you can't call me or hang out. I will be here.. I will just be adding a curriculum to our daily lives.
Don't hate the player. Hate the game.. ha.
No really.. my point is I will be crossing barriers.. meeting strangers. OH my god.. can I handle it? ha.. if you know me.. this story is not even close to over.
My point.. so much changes in a year.
They aren't little forever.
They do become independent.
They are not my property.
They are my children.
My heart. My soul. My inspiration. My Job.

The days in between....

Phew... to sit and just type at my laptop.. haven't done that in a minute.. truth it's probably going to take me weeks to complete this blog.. but oh well. It's not about how fast, its about getting it done.
I have been on an adventure in self discovery since shaving my head for St. Baldricks in March.. I know it was a great noble thing to do.. and it was for an amazing charity.. but what most don't know, or may not get.. is that wasn't the main reason I did it.
Yes it taught my boys  to follow through, to make a difference.. that mom is some sort of crazy chick that says on March 8th I will we bald.. and at their age it's OK, , they don't fully get the magnitude of cancer and the destruction, and devastation. But when they are older they will understand. Those dots will  connect and mean more then just a hair cut. The acceptance that one of my boys may have died.
When you wrap your brain around it.. it's hard to figure out.. It's hard to explain anyone can tell me anything but if you haven't done it , dealt with it, or feel it... it really goes nowhere.
I saw how something so powerful can harbor great demons in you without even realizing.  On March 8th.. I let all that shit go.
I LET IT GO!
Five long years of harboring pain, resentment, fear... sadness...it was time... I look at those photos and I see the pain fall away... slowly.
Of course, I know that is just a small start.. but it opened the flood gates.I learned who will be there to support me, and my family. I learned that all the things I want and dream for us are possible.. it takes work, dedication and patience.
I made a friend whom I wouldn't want to lose, not now, not ever.
I started to take care of myself.. stopped the excuses of ,I am tired, I am this, I am that.. BULLSHIT. I am just being lazy..
Fuck that.. I want it all back.
And so that began the journey...
Now I have been spending my time with those who love me for me.. it may be a small circle of amazing women.. and my Best Friend  of all, my main man, my other half... my picked me up when I was broken and hung on for 12 years, Michael. He doesn't even realize how just giving me that hour of getting in shape has saved my soul.
I have been seeing an old friend struggle to overcome addiction while keeping my sobriety, it might hurt her that I can't be a better friend, but I can't keep taking care of everyone anymore.
I have been battling a horrible temper in my child. I am realizing he is my child for a reason.. No one else.. can handle this boy the way i can or will. ..I  was chosen to be his mother.. I am also choosing to read and educate myself and follow through.
It's never easy.. those who say it is . .LIE
Now since April I began running/fast walking /crossfit... eating good. Avoiding any and all garbage I can. I hope that once that pattern is set in stone.. My kids and Husfriend will follow my lead.and like dogs the pack needs a leader.... I have been the chosen one.
That also is Hard. And if anyone tells me its easy.. Fuck you. It's not. ( said with a smile of course)
We will also have some good friends move away this summer... to begin a new adventure for their family. I am excited for them.. I can't wait to see what evolves. I am heart broken.. but that will heal too.
I hope that the good ones that have come into my life and the boys lives are here for a while longer.. I think the lessons here is the Days in between.
For me the days in between mean this.....
Love your self.
tell your self it's ok.
screw up.
It's ok when your children have episodes. ( its' not everyday you lose an eye)
make up.
Tell those who matter, they do.
and for those who know me... hang on tight.
my ride is never smooth.. it's bumpy,, crazy and sometimes the best ride ever..
Ok burpee time...
I know right.. BURPEE?
:)
.

the urge to write it out...

Oh my goodness..

Scream and shout, at the tippity top of my voice..............................................................
No I wont, because I don't want to wake any one up.
Boys sound asleep, Dogs too...
Me with my self.. learning how much more learning I still need to do.
These past few weeks have been rough on me, emotionally, my parenting is being pushed beyond measures I ever wanted..
I am tested and tested time, and time again....seems like I am losing every battle. Will I ever win? Who knows, but I do know it's going to get better, I have job to do.
I just wish it was easier. 
it's really a tough battle cry.
Beyond all that.. I will be bald soon.
Oh how do I feel about that? It's time.. it really is time.  It's time to say goodbye to pain, hurt, anger, resentment, fear... and symbolically watch, it grow, heal, shape, regrow, get stronger, change.. ( just like he did, just like he does)
It's just time.
I am not sure how it's going to feel having people question, stare, and wonder, but not ask...
NO!!!!!!!!!! I am not crazy, I did this for charity, so someday there can be a cure, so other mothers don't have to stand up and make noise for our children. I might be a small member of something really big though.. and I started with a goal, got over it, and will follow through... do what I say, a lesson my boys learn.. If Mommy says she's going to do something, she does it...
Who knows what the next five years bring with these little men.. who knows how much gray hair I have that will finally start growing.. but, I do know one thing for sure...
the person inside me now is different than the person I was five years ago..

( Rant over)

Fuck, arrrrrrrrrrre ya done yet?

Dear Country Boy, I know you are 23, attractive and maybe smart. You are extremly polite, and may even open the door for a lady, with out a doubt, you have that southern charm about cha... but, heres' the thing.. I am a mom, I Have two not ONE but TWO Five year old boys who believe it or not, do hear you.... every night I think the jumping on the bed thing has to stop.. tighten your bed posts, the frame, move it away from the wall, I don't care what.. just please for the love of all moms who have to wake up and function the morning, stop making all that noise. I am glad your getting some.. just get some quieter. Not really thanking you, actually wanting to punch you, everytime my boys say.. Mom the ceiling is making that noise.. I can't sleep.... Broomstick knockin bitch comes to mind.

through tears you find answers....

Wow, so it's been a minute since I have written.. or as I like to say, clear my skull of all this wonderful stuff that keeps me up at night, makes my stomache ache.. and the good stuff too... I never leave that out, and, always have to find time to keep it real. Since my last rant.. the Kiddos have turned 5~ I have survived this mom gig for five fuckin years.. that is way more years I ever thought possible. Lately I am dealing with the re-establishing of boundaries...something so simple for some.. soooooooooooooo extremly pull your fucking hair out insaine for others.. ( not me of course, I am fuckin perfect) I get to this point with the boys where my voice of reason is not enough.. and I think about the most insaine tactic to bring it back to good.. and lately it's the zombies. Right? what the hell, this bitch is posioning her kids minds with the living dead? Nah.. not at all, I just drive them to the nearest location where the extreme meltdown is going on, pull the car over and explain that if you want to continue to say horrible things to me, and hurt me.. I have no choice but to stop the car and let you make a choice.. Get right, or sit here until you do. what if they chose to stay??? Well then I am fucked, but for now it works.. we find a piece of mind, and work through it. Sure I fuckin cry alot.. I feel overwhelmed, I feel out numbered.. you would too.. but I don't feel defeated, I feel excited, challenged.. ready~ I don't have the answers.. they left that out in the mail order how to parent catalog I never received... Did I mention having twins is the hardest thing I have managed this far in my life? I am not joking when I say, these two have opened my eyes to so much.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahha so with that said.. my dangerous duo, the jr. mafia... the loves of my life, are keeping me 100 percent human. Don't jude my daily dose of diet coke... it's the only vice I have left.

you belong to me..

I have tried for days, and days to collect these thoughts on paper to make sense of what feels like, the last inning of the game and the captain wants to throw in the towel.. and then theres this big MOMENT ,that changes everything. The little talk you have with your self about life, dreams, lessons.. and the outcomes. I have had a bit of mind crushing, head butting, totally not finding the middle ground with the boys lately, and it's driving me bat shit crazy. I feel like in 5 years I have done everything that a Mom would do, aside from earn a paycheck... and I am ok with that. Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen career over STay at home Mom, for the finer things in life, but then I am quickly grounded in realizing that I have those finer things.. they just don't come in the form of material goods.... Not only are my dogs behaving like mental patients... G and D have been giving me the run for my money the past few weeks. They are ever so opinionated, they are relentless in getting their way, and letting you know that they are extremly pissed when they simply don't get their way... It is making me doubt my whole strategy of parenting.. Two versus one at any given time sucks. I am not even sure where I am going with this post.. The boys will be five in a little over a week, and all I keep thinking about is how much more I still need to do... not for party preparations or gifts to buy, but lessons and foundations that I want to be instilled.. I want them to see the world in good eyes.. not the " I think everyone has a motive" eye, mom has. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... debate, discuss, scream, cry, laugh, throw body on floor and lose mind, hug, kiss, I love you,

repeat. But some how, it's not always easy... no matter how hard I fake it!

Bandaids....

most of the time in my life I go on living, without really realizing the damage that has been done.. until the moment I am sitting on the couch with my smirky friend.. and find out, you have a lot of scars.. that need to be covered.. healed.. bandaided..( if that is even a word) if you know me, you know I like making up words.. just cuz, I can.. and on a serious note.. the things that happen in your life, really do effect your life.. I have been through some things.. none of which I will ever endulge in a internet blog.. but enough to know that it takes time to feel OK. Somethings require you to become so vulnerable, and other times, taking a hard look in the mirror, and often wondering.. well what and why? when in reality.. You don't need to know.. You just grow. Cover them up.. with a pretty bandaid. I have this other friend.. and she's with someone who is not nice to her, at all~ I tell her all the time "jill" for privacy sake.. let him go!! But, like me, she has to learn on her own.. her time will come, and she will put on her bandaid. I hope for her sake, it's sooner then later, cuz she knows life is too short, to be woman, just waiting for someone else to cover up the damage. Now Smirky is another story all together.. she has waited, and waited and waited, played the game, lost the game.. and stuck through a game until it ended.. I finally see her smiling.. and you know why? She found a bandaid.. a great one, one that actually appricates her for her, and makes her voice change, and heart smile.. this is great to watch.. cuz I have seen her for 6 years.. pretend her bandaid was working.. but now, it works.. really works. I write this tonight.. because, I found my bandaid...It was here all along.. sometimes we just miss eachother.. we get lost, distracted, overwhelmed.. irritated, crabby.. sad, mad.. but deep down, where it counts.. we have LOVE. I never thought I could say that ... I never thought I would want to heal.. and someway, somehow.. I do now.

these days...

these days my mind has been wondering.................
these days I don't know if my head is on so tight...
then I peak out the window , and it goes back to right.......
having your eyes open,  isn't always fun, oh to be young again, only to see what you want to.
I realize as the tides have turned...
not everyone will have your back, not everyone is REAL. amazing how some are so good at faking like they give a shit. only to find out through games that they never have, and probably never will....
these days I wont try hard to impress you, for you are not my family
these days I wont even flinch if you don't like me..
today I know, It's ok.
I know too many people caught up in the game, the game is stupid... no one ever really wins.. but there is a bounty full of losers.
I get tired of feeling broken.
I get tired of felling sick.
I never get tired of hearing the laughter that motherhood brings...
to be real... sobriety is an amazing thing..
without sounding like someone speaking at a NA meeting.. sometimes being spun, knocked down.. and kicked in the teeth.. is the best feeling.. why?
FEELINGs, that is why.
some of you will get this, others will just see it as another ramble.. I do that alot.. but this august makes 11 years.. I never thought I would make it this far...
and guess what? I did.
so these days, I don't take shit from people.
I don't let my past be my future... I don't forget it, I embrace it, I don't feel pity, I feel proud..
these days are not worth wasting.. and neither is my time...
and I wont waste any more of yours...

these days.. my life is great, with you, or with out.

no title.. just words.

the kiddos laughing, fighting, crying, making up languages, explaining their eyes of the world,...all the would have, could have,  talk with other moms when your out and about... wondering why being a parent to twins is any different than being a mother to singletons... but, I think twin moms are a unique blend...
I have read some common pet peeves, and hear them as well... these are just some of my personal discoveries..
Whenever someone says, I raised 2 boys and they were 18 mnts. apart, so I Feel your pain.
my thought is.... no it's not the same at all, the same age at the same time, means you get to deal with the good times, bad times, all times, times two... and just because they are twins doesn't mean they have the same style of losing it.. that would be too easy!  And when they lose it at the same time.. put it this way, if your guns are  not developed by now... you can't carry both of them out of a public place like two sacks of potatoes, and be on your way.. No not in this world..
What you can do, is buy stupid stuff, Angry Bird erasers... built like Lego's, and make a interesting game that requires you to say out loud, in public.... " If you don't behave, I am taking your piggies away"... oh the looks..
sometimes I find things that work, sometimes they are the most ridiculous bits of nonsense I have ever cooked up, sometimes it's just a disaster, sometimes it works out and I had nothing to do with it at all...
parenting..
it's one of those things that make your adult ADD mind stimulated., and the child in you can be reborn, to be just as crazy as ever...
you get to be kicked out of 'their room", hear," No girls allowed".... and I laugh, because giving me time to myself, is the nicest gift of all..
and they are almost five..
the best of friends, and the worst of enemies... all in one day at times...
today however, was a best friend day... and as they throw angry birds at structures they spent all afternoon building.. I think to myself, Liz..
You got this!

pic's...

Patch of Clovers

A super cute boy.

Ropes are amazing...

I pout, Because I caN.

I love Rhinos

it's kinda me, right?

I have been keeping this tight feeling inside me for a minute...
not sure what it means, not sure where it came from.. and not sure I care...
I have been struggling lately with the bite of words.. that i wont let come out of my mouth.. dare I hurt your feelings...
Maybe that is the tightness, I am holding me back... keeping me from just being me.
I don't know what defines me lately.. aside from Mother, and awesome chick.. there just has to be more...
from now on.. I will use self discovery as a method to my madness... I don't like flowers.. so I will pick them.
I don't like tears.. So we will laugh...I don't like to stare, so I will avoid you... I don't want to sound pretentious.. so I will remain naive...

right now I hate Barking... so here is your muther fuckin treat.

The third shift wifey

it seems like my vow to eliminate distractions from my life has been working.. I spend all day long with my kiddos taking care of life and routines, laughing, living, learning our enviornment exploring dirt, and grime, seeking out tunnels of doom, and finding unique ways to understand distruction, pick things up we put together, discovering their inner dare devils.. you know the kind, lets just forget that bikes have brakes and just ride them as fast as we can and bail, because it's fun~ When mommy has to talk to a neighbor about some important matters, they manage to eat a stock pile of cookies, run around like cookie crack heads, dance around naked... and then they finally fall asleep, and this is just an average day in the life.. but when bedtime arrives, and they are safe and sound, I am here alone..
I wonder how many other third shift wifey's out there have this problem.. the I can' fall asleep at night syndrome... but I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired?
I have spent the past few weeks just running all day with the boys, doing this and that.. and not even really having a moment of just shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. me time.  Right now while I sit here and type, I have a cat sitting on my lap and a dog laying on my feet.. two snoring co~sleepers in my bed.. and one brain with thoughts that just keep me spinning and spinning.
I should try a hobby, but then I would probably never follow through, all the books I begin are amazing at first, then after an hour or so, I become board, I swear this adult ADD, is something else.
I am trying to find a way to reconnect with my creative bug, the poet that lives deep in my soul.. I have never written about good things in life... soooooooooooooooo, it's not as easy to flow.
I run around all day and live the closest thing to amazing I know for a life, I hustle and try to keep on looking deep for that prize... Didn't win the mega millions.. who knew that a couple of four year olds could produce so much laundry? Why doesn't anyone eat what I cook for dinner? Why must the dog insist on being my best friend? Why did I agree to 'watch' a couple of kids for spring break? Who really wants to buy baby chicks in this town? Where is the organic LOVE ?.... and these are just a few of my rambling thoughts....
this is what the third shift wifey does...

The Orange Rhino~ Yer kidding right?

ahh facebook, the escape at night from chaos and parenting... seeing that i was blessed the first time around with Twins, I know someone in the universe has a sense of humor.. my 4.5 year olds whom I usually refer to as Mayhem and Madness are the joy of most days, the reason my feet hit the floor every morning with a kick ass attitude, a reason to make a difference, I think most mom's will get where I am going with this explanation ( at least I hope) so, on my usual browse of what;s going on in facebook land one evening, a friend had shared this Orange Rhino blog.
I love reading Mom blogs, the honest cut throat, real deal of parenting.. the non cookie cutter way things really go down.. as soon as I read this blog I was both laughing and thinking.. wait a minute this woman is on to something!
NO YELLING? for 365 days, she's got to be crazy... I can't even go two hours with out something exploding in this house, let alone 365 days...
Most who know me know, I believe every thing happens for a reason, so that night I read this blog, for weeks the twins father and I had been having discussions about some not so great boy behavior and ways to make it disappear and how I could handle my own reactions to things better, I am so guilty of being the YELLER, I mean really, let the list begin:
Fighting : "quit kicking your brother!" "quit punching each other" "Don't jump off the table, Share those cars, " DON"T SAY MEAN THING TO YOUR BROTHER"  " I SAID GET IN THE BATH" "FOOD IS NOT A TOY" GET OFF THE COUNTER, LEAVE THE DOGS ALONE, THE CAT IS NOT YOUR PILLOW, IT'S BED TIME, KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT , i SAID YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT! and my favorite, " I SAID NO!"... and this is the short version..
Every time I would find myself being tested, my voice would go to 11! When I was a child, yelling was talking.. and then Eureka, I am going to take this challenge~
I mean after all, I have not had a diet coke for three weeks, I can give up yelling! uh huh.. I can do anything.. I am LIZ!
Can I do it? Can I really not yell at these two? Will I whisper? Walk away? Laugh? Not give in to the daily tag team of who's the boss?? and the answer to all these questions is YES~~
The orange Rhino challenge is working!!!
I have survived Ten full days, and here is what I have noticed, not gonna lie, the boys haven't transformed into these saints that don't scream, fight, cry or share all the time... but I see what I have control over, I see that I have better ways of coping with frustration, anger, sleep deprivation, headaches, and any unwanted behavior..I know they wont give up testing me, that is after all their job...
My motivation is the same as it ever was... I know that my boys learn behavior and how to handle themselves by watching how I do these things... I know that I want them to grow up with better coping skills and learn that screaming and yelling does nothing but escalate the situation and leaves everyone in tears...
The first time I ever held them in my arms after giving birth, I knew that through it all, the laughter, the tears, the fear, the unconditional love.. that I had a job to do.
Not yelling is perhaps one of the best gifts I can give to them, life already has a bunch of obstacles .. I want to control the ones I can!
I'll let you know how I feel at 20 days, but right now the best feeling I feel is empowerment!
G and D might still be yelling and having their catastrophic meltdowns... but Mommy is working on breathing and walking away from that behavior and embracing the laughter, the tears and the good times we have between it all!
Cheers to coffee, and knowing that it's possible~ I am never alone and neither are you~

where have I been?

 four years ago today, I heard the most horrible words ever spoken...
your son has cancer, most know what that entailed for me, and this isn't about that...
I have to say, looking at where we all are today, makes all that hurt and broken mend...
My kid is amazing, he actually had a moment today where he stopped everything he was doing and ran up to me and said, " Mom your amazing, I want to give you a smooch", and he did.
I realized at that moment, like so many others, he was right. I am!
and so is he.. and humble, I don't think he realized how much I needed that!
I told myself this year, I wont cry, this year I am doing something different.. three days from now marks the day we kick cancer's ass out of his eye, by removing his eye, and rather than sit and feel angry and sad, I am going to laugh with the boys!
we are going to celebrate this day, from now on! It changed me, and in alot of ways it made me the woman I am today!
 I have not treated him any different, for that I am proud! His twin brother is not only his best friend but has stood by him thru every appointment, he helps clean his eye, he cheers him on.. so reality is, I am pretty darn lucky to have given birth to two of the most amazing little boys on the planet!

The Best!

I know, every mom says that, but I really feel that!
So four YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It does get easier, and the moments it sucks, I look back at how far we've come~

ROck Stars.. yup that's what we are!

ramble

 the coolest thing about hanging with the twins before bedtime, is the games we play just the three of us, and lately the boys have developed this awesome technique in making each other feel good, by each narrating what were building and how to do it.. we count the blocks and build different structures and count the blocks til our towers tumble.. it's just great going around this tiny circle of our own special game...cheering each other on, and saying things like, "nuts", "maybe next time", 'oh I loss, No big deal"... seems like alot of our activity and home school time, makes the world of difference...
putting them to bed and getting extra tight snuggle time, then I look and see these two four year olds being the best they can be, and trying to just figure out, how I can make it better.... bigger and better~
Or should i just be happy, I am doing the best I can... the best~
All this talk about Santa watching, makes wonders for getting them to "behave" so, maybe every month I should just throw out a Character who's watching them, and see where it leads...
Eventually, I hope all these small lessons, and moments will make a world of difference, when they brave the big "PRE-K".. right, because this is where I differ from most, I don't need that "break", and I don't my need to worry about their every move for two hours with a stranger, is suppose to be "me time", my me time is now.. when they are tucked safely in bed, and I get to sip on a glass of ice cold water, and store bought, horrible for you, but expires Thursday so I have to drink it.... eGG nog.
I smile because this year, this Christmas, our tree is decorated with so many things they have made, and I scream of excitement inside, because I know that we will have years more to make, and pick, and eventually have a tree so big, we will have to take 5 hours to decorate.. lol
whatever it takes, I just love our bond! It's so unique and wonderful, every night before bed we all discuss our day, and what we did.. they say what the observed, and sometimes their observations can bring mama into check, I know no parents are perfect, but most are out trying everything possible just to maintain that back yard, and here we are just dreaming of having the back yard.. to worry about losing it....
this is what I call a ramble blog... one in which i just type the thoughts that pop in my head, and don't care whether u read it and give a shit or just think.. wow, Liz is onto something today...
either way, with Michael working the third shift.. i stay up soo much later, I feel like I have to remain in "mom guard mode" cuz at night things seem... not so right.
I have the best security.. Saki and now Buddy... although, Buddy is quite the lets lay in my lap or bark at me from a distance pup.. but he's getting better everyday...
I don't know where this is going.. so I am going to stop the ramble...
it goes on and on..
:

Shit and STuff

Wow, it has been some crazy few days in my head... then last night I get this huge reminder of why I am so glad I know what clean is.  Having clarity, and thoughts that matter.  I dug deep to find my happy place, that special place where the sunshines bright.. and warm........



I sit here and contemplate why even after nine years, I can still beat myself up about things.. oh I know, because they don't lie when they tell you that drugs destroy your body, they aren't making that shit up.
I often wonder if I am the only one who shivers when I see a hypodermic needle, or get confused when there is a tinfoil on the ground... or gaze at the ghetto and feel this strange lurking?
I know I am not alone, and that recovery is a forever thing.. I have this joy since sobriety, finding that inner peace and will and knowing that I wouldn't be who I am today if not for the things that I did when I was young and thought It was all fun.. all the while I simply just hated myself...
I will never fully ever understand the whys, or the hows, and I really don't even like to dwell on it.
I am ever so proud thou of the TODAY!
I live for today, I live for tomorrow, I am proud that I could change me to become the things I was destined to be....
I get lost sometimes, because I wonder, what if they knew, would they even want to like me today?
I am a different woman then I was then... in so many ways, I get shivers now just thinking about it, this amazing woman has been inside me all these years.. yet I get caught up in sick thinking, and obsessive nature...
I lose me when I let things get out of my hands... but I know what is in my hands.
So, as I contemplate what great things I have today, I sit now and think ... what the fuck was I thinking?

Why...

The moment you say, ah ha

So lately I have been on this whoa is me kick, things go a little like this...
no money, no job, no ambition, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
fill in the blank.
I look out my window and stare, think of how much worse things could be...
I realize that everything happens for a reason, and I am by no means in control of it at all.
I have spent days, DAYS, dealing with a very strong minded little boy, who will remain nameless, but every time I look at his face I see that small part of me, grrr I get soo angry, but not at him, at me.
I know that he has had it rough, he has been through more than your average four year old should ever have had to endure, so he's allowed to be pissy and angry, and well as his mother, so am I.
I always catch myself right around the Holiday's turning into this grumpy gal, who is angry at the world, and I realize that I have a bit of control over that.  Maybe I get mad because this exact day november 19th 2007, I told my son's doctor that I keep seeing things in his left eye and he ignored me, then a few months later I find out my baby has cancer, maybe I get mad because their father still hasn't been able to find a job, maybe I get mad because  I chose to stay at home and be a mom until they start school, maybe I am mad because I don't have control over the universe, and then I had it.. I had that moment, it was like BOOM.


Graham You are my superman!

Listen, your life is not perfect, it wasn't meant to be, you had a crazy few years before you ever even uttered the word mother, and you survived, you beat your beast and survived!
Your Son has your blood, your genes, your will, your strength, he's just reminding you where to find it...
INSIDE YOU.. duh, all this time I spent looking, searching, digging deep in other things, and all the while I had to say goodbye to the girl I was, and accept the woman that I am. 

When were crazy!

Life is not always going to be fun, nor easy..  it isn't suppose to be, without any scars your just  average, and lord knows I am anything but average.
Sometimes you have to just sit back and realize it's not the overwhelming crazy dark moments that cripple you, but, the ability to embrace the wonderful ones  sure does~


So that is why I say ah ha, I will not continue to be this broken person, I will strive to be a bad ass and just keep livin like I have these thirty some years... right? No one know's survival like me, well I shouldn't say no one, because some do, were in a unique club!  Right now I am the mother to one of the coolest survivors I know!


The best of times!