Shit and STuff

Wow, it has been some crazy few days in my head... then last night I get this huge reminder of why I am so glad I know what clean is.  Having clarity, and thoughts that matter.  I dug deep to find my happy place, that special place where the sunshines bright.. and warm........



I sit here and contemplate why even after nine years, I can still beat myself up about things.. oh I know, because they don't lie when they tell you that drugs destroy your body, they aren't making that shit up.
I often wonder if I am the only one who shivers when I see a hypodermic needle, or get confused when there is a tinfoil on the ground... or gaze at the ghetto and feel this strange lurking?
I know I am not alone, and that recovery is a forever thing.. I have this joy since sobriety, finding that inner peace and will and knowing that I wouldn't be who I am today if not for the things that I did when I was young and thought It was all fun.. all the while I simply just hated myself...
I will never fully ever understand the whys, or the hows, and I really don't even like to dwell on it.
I am ever so proud thou of the TODAY!
I live for today, I live for tomorrow, I am proud that I could change me to become the things I was destined to be....
I get lost sometimes, because I wonder, what if they knew, would they even want to like me today?
I am a different woman then I was then... in so many ways, I get shivers now just thinking about it, this amazing woman has been inside me all these years.. yet I get caught up in sick thinking, and obsessive nature...
I lose me when I let things get out of my hands... but I know what is in my hands.
So, as I contemplate what great things I have today, I sit now and think ... what the fuck was I thinking?

Why...