you belong to me..

I have tried for days, and days to collect these thoughts on paper to make sense of what feels like, the last inning of the game and the captain wants to throw in the towel.. and then theres this big MOMENT ,that changes everything. The little talk you have with your self about life, dreams, lessons.. and the outcomes. I have had a bit of mind crushing, head butting, totally not finding the middle ground with the boys lately, and it's driving me bat shit crazy. I feel like in 5 years I have done everything that a Mom would do, aside from earn a paycheck... and I am ok with that. Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen career over STay at home Mom, for the finer things in life, but then I am quickly grounded in realizing that I have those finer things.. they just don't come in the form of material goods.... Not only are my dogs behaving like mental patients... G and D have been giving me the run for my money the past few weeks. They are ever so opinionated, they are relentless in getting their way, and letting you know that they are extremly pissed when they simply don't get their way... It is making me doubt my whole strategy of parenting.. Two versus one at any given time sucks. I am not even sure where I am going with this post.. The boys will be five in a little over a week, and all I keep thinking about is how much more I still need to do... not for party preparations or gifts to buy, but lessons and foundations that I want to be instilled.. I want them to see the world in good eyes.. not the " I think everyone has a motive" eye, mom has. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... debate, discuss, scream, cry, laugh, throw body on floor and lose mind, hug, kiss, I love you,

repeat. But some how, it's not always easy... no matter how hard I fake it!