The days in between....

Phew... to sit and just type at my laptop.. haven't done that in a minute.. truth it's probably going to take me weeks to complete this blog.. but oh well. It's not about how fast, its about getting it done.
I have been on an adventure in self discovery since shaving my head for St. Baldricks in March.. I know it was a great noble thing to do.. and it was for an amazing charity.. but what most don't know, or may not get.. is that wasn't the main reason I did it.
Yes it taught my boys  to follow through, to make a difference.. that mom is some sort of crazy chick that says on March 8th I will we bald.. and at their age it's OK, , they don't fully get the magnitude of cancer and the destruction, and devastation. But when they are older they will understand. Those dots will  connect and mean more then just a hair cut. The acceptance that one of my boys may have died.
When you wrap your brain around it.. it's hard to figure out.. It's hard to explain anyone can tell me anything but if you haven't done it , dealt with it, or feel it... it really goes nowhere.
I saw how something so powerful can harbor great demons in you without even realizing.  On March 8th.. I let all that shit go.
I LET IT GO!
Five long years of harboring pain, resentment, fear... sadness...it was time... I look at those photos and I see the pain fall away... slowly.
Of course, I know that is just a small start.. but it opened the flood gates.I learned who will be there to support me, and my family. I learned that all the things I want and dream for us are possible.. it takes work, dedication and patience.
I made a friend whom I wouldn't want to lose, not now, not ever.
I started to take care of myself.. stopped the excuses of ,I am tired, I am this, I am that.. BULLSHIT. I am just being lazy..
Fuck that.. I want it all back.
And so that began the journey...
Now I have been spending my time with those who love me for me.. it may be a small circle of amazing women.. and my Best Friend  of all, my main man, my other half... my picked me up when I was broken and hung on for 12 years, Michael. He doesn't even realize how just giving me that hour of getting in shape has saved my soul.
I have been seeing an old friend struggle to overcome addiction while keeping my sobriety, it might hurt her that I can't be a better friend, but I can't keep taking care of everyone anymore.
I have been battling a horrible temper in my child. I am realizing he is my child for a reason.. No one else.. can handle this boy the way i can or will. ..I  was chosen to be his mother.. I am also choosing to read and educate myself and follow through.
It's never easy.. those who say it is . .LIE
Now since April I began running/fast walking /crossfit... eating good. Avoiding any and all garbage I can. I hope that once that pattern is set in stone.. My kids and Husfriend will follow my lead.and like dogs the pack needs a leader.... I have been the chosen one.
That also is Hard. And if anyone tells me its easy.. Fuck you. It's not. ( said with a smile of course)
We will also have some good friends move away this summer... to begin a new adventure for their family. I am excited for them.. I can't wait to see what evolves. I am heart broken.. but that will heal too.
I hope that the good ones that have come into my life and the boys lives are here for a while longer.. I think the lessons here is the Days in between.
For me the days in between mean this.....
Love your self.
tell your self it's ok.
screw up.
It's ok when your children have episodes. ( its' not everyday you lose an eye)
make up.
Tell those who matter, they do.
and for those who know me... hang on tight.
my ride is never smooth.. it's bumpy,, crazy and sometimes the best ride ever..
Ok burpee time...
I know right.. BURPEE?
:)
.

the urge to write it out...

Oh my goodness..

Scream and shout, at the tippity top of my voice..............................................................
No I wont, because I don't want to wake any one up.
Boys sound asleep, Dogs too...
Me with my self.. learning how much more learning I still need to do.
These past few weeks have been rough on me, emotionally, my parenting is being pushed beyond measures I ever wanted..
I am tested and tested time, and time again....seems like I am losing every battle. Will I ever win? Who knows, but I do know it's going to get better, I have job to do.
I just wish it was easier. 
it's really a tough battle cry.
Beyond all that.. I will be bald soon.
Oh how do I feel about that? It's time.. it really is time.  It's time to say goodbye to pain, hurt, anger, resentment, fear... and symbolically watch, it grow, heal, shape, regrow, get stronger, change.. ( just like he did, just like he does)
It's just time.
I am not sure how it's going to feel having people question, stare, and wonder, but not ask...
NO!!!!!!!!!! I am not crazy, I did this for charity, so someday there can be a cure, so other mothers don't have to stand up and make noise for our children. I might be a small member of something really big though.. and I started with a goal, got over it, and will follow through... do what I say, a lesson my boys learn.. If Mommy says she's going to do something, she does it...
Who knows what the next five years bring with these little men.. who knows how much gray hair I have that will finally start growing.. but, I do know one thing for sure...
the person inside me now is different than the person I was five years ago..

( Rant over)

Fuck, arrrrrrrrrrre ya done yet?

Dear Country Boy, I know you are 23, attractive and maybe smart. You are extremly polite, and may even open the door for a lady, with out a doubt, you have that southern charm about cha... but, heres' the thing.. I am a mom, I Have two not ONE but TWO Five year old boys who believe it or not, do hear you.... every night I think the jumping on the bed thing has to stop.. tighten your bed posts, the frame, move it away from the wall, I don't care what.. just please for the love of all moms who have to wake up and function the morning, stop making all that noise. I am glad your getting some.. just get some quieter. Not really thanking you, actually wanting to punch you, everytime my boys say.. Mom the ceiling is making that noise.. I can't sleep.... Broomstick knockin bitch comes to mind.

through tears you find answers....

Wow, so it's been a minute since I have written.. or as I like to say, clear my skull of all this wonderful stuff that keeps me up at night, makes my stomache ache.. and the good stuff too... I never leave that out, and, always have to find time to keep it real. Since my last rant.. the Kiddos have turned 5~ I have survived this mom gig for five fuckin years.. that is way more years I ever thought possible. Lately I am dealing with the re-establishing of boundaries...something so simple for some.. soooooooooooooo extremly pull your fucking hair out insaine for others.. ( not me of course, I am fuckin perfect) I get to this point with the boys where my voice of reason is not enough.. and I think about the most insaine tactic to bring it back to good.. and lately it's the zombies. Right? what the hell, this bitch is posioning her kids minds with the living dead? Nah.. not at all, I just drive them to the nearest location where the extreme meltdown is going on, pull the car over and explain that if you want to continue to say horrible things to me, and hurt me.. I have no choice but to stop the car and let you make a choice.. Get right, or sit here until you do. what if they chose to stay??? Well then I am fucked, but for now it works.. we find a piece of mind, and work through it. Sure I fuckin cry alot.. I feel overwhelmed, I feel out numbered.. you would too.. but I don't feel defeated, I feel excited, challenged.. ready~ I don't have the answers.. they left that out in the mail order how to parent catalog I never received... Did I mention having twins is the hardest thing I have managed this far in my life? I am not joking when I say, these two have opened my eyes to so much.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahha so with that said.. my dangerous duo, the jr. mafia... the loves of my life, are keeping me 100 percent human. Don't jude my daily dose of diet coke... it's the only vice I have left.

you belong to me..

I have tried for days, and days to collect these thoughts on paper to make sense of what feels like, the last inning of the game and the captain wants to throw in the towel.. and then theres this big MOMENT ,that changes everything. The little talk you have with your self about life, dreams, lessons.. and the outcomes. I have had a bit of mind crushing, head butting, totally not finding the middle ground with the boys lately, and it's driving me bat shit crazy. I feel like in 5 years I have done everything that a Mom would do, aside from earn a paycheck... and I am ok with that. Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen career over STay at home Mom, for the finer things in life, but then I am quickly grounded in realizing that I have those finer things.. they just don't come in the form of material goods.... Not only are my dogs behaving like mental patients... G and D have been giving me the run for my money the past few weeks. They are ever so opinionated, they are relentless in getting their way, and letting you know that they are extremly pissed when they simply don't get their way... It is making me doubt my whole strategy of parenting.. Two versus one at any given time sucks. I am not even sure where I am going with this post.. The boys will be five in a little over a week, and all I keep thinking about is how much more I still need to do... not for party preparations or gifts to buy, but lessons and foundations that I want to be instilled.. I want them to see the world in good eyes.. not the " I think everyone has a motive" eye, mom has. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... debate, discuss, scream, cry, laugh, throw body on floor and lose mind, hug, kiss, I love you,

repeat. But some how, it's not always easy... no matter how hard I fake it!

Bandaids....

most of the time in my life I go on living, without really realizing the damage that has been done.. until the moment I am sitting on the couch with my smirky friend.. and find out, you have a lot of scars.. that need to be covered.. healed.. bandaided..( if that is even a word) if you know me, you know I like making up words.. just cuz, I can.. and on a serious note.. the things that happen in your life, really do effect your life.. I have been through some things.. none of which I will ever endulge in a internet blog.. but enough to know that it takes time to feel OK. Somethings require you to become so vulnerable, and other times, taking a hard look in the mirror, and often wondering.. well what and why? when in reality.. You don't need to know.. You just grow. Cover them up.. with a pretty bandaid. I have this other friend.. and she's with someone who is not nice to her, at all~ I tell her all the time "jill" for privacy sake.. let him go!! But, like me, she has to learn on her own.. her time will come, and she will put on her bandaid. I hope for her sake, it's sooner then later, cuz she knows life is too short, to be woman, just waiting for someone else to cover up the damage. Now Smirky is another story all together.. she has waited, and waited and waited, played the game, lost the game.. and stuck through a game until it ended.. I finally see her smiling.. and you know why? She found a bandaid.. a great one, one that actually appricates her for her, and makes her voice change, and heart smile.. this is great to watch.. cuz I have seen her for 6 years.. pretend her bandaid was working.. but now, it works.. really works. I write this tonight.. because, I found my bandaid...It was here all along.. sometimes we just miss eachother.. we get lost, distracted, overwhelmed.. irritated, crabby.. sad, mad.. but deep down, where it counts.. we have LOVE. I never thought I could say that ... I never thought I would want to heal.. and someway, somehow.. I do now.

these days...

these days my mind has been wondering.................
these days I don't know if my head is on so tight...
then I peak out the window , and it goes back to right.......
having your eyes open,  isn't always fun, oh to be young again, only to see what you want to.
I realize as the tides have turned...
not everyone will have your back, not everyone is REAL. amazing how some are so good at faking like they give a shit. only to find out through games that they never have, and probably never will....
these days I wont try hard to impress you, for you are not my family
these days I wont even flinch if you don't like me..
today I know, It's ok.
I know too many people caught up in the game, the game is stupid... no one ever really wins.. but there is a bounty full of losers.
I get tired of feeling broken.
I get tired of felling sick.
I never get tired of hearing the laughter that motherhood brings...
to be real... sobriety is an amazing thing..
without sounding like someone speaking at a NA meeting.. sometimes being spun, knocked down.. and kicked in the teeth.. is the best feeling.. why?
FEELINGs, that is why.
some of you will get this, others will just see it as another ramble.. I do that alot.. but this august makes 11 years.. I never thought I would make it this far...
and guess what? I did.
so these days, I don't take shit from people.
I don't let my past be my future... I don't forget it, I embrace it, I don't feel pity, I feel proud..
these days are not worth wasting.. and neither is my time...
and I wont waste any more of yours...

these days.. my life is great, with you, or with out.