you belong to me..

I have tried for days, and days to collect these thoughts on paper to make sense of what feels like, the last inning of the game and the captain wants to throw in the towel.. and then theres this big MOMENT ,that changes everything. The little talk you have with your self about life, dreams, lessons.. and the outcomes. I have had a bit of mind crushing, head butting, totally not finding the middle ground with the boys lately, and it's driving me bat shit crazy. I feel like in 5 years I have done everything that a Mom would do, aside from earn a paycheck... and I am ok with that. Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen career over STay at home Mom, for the finer things in life, but then I am quickly grounded in realizing that I have those finer things.. they just don't come in the form of material goods.... Not only are my dogs behaving like mental patients... G and D have been giving me the run for my money the past few weeks. They are ever so opinionated, they are relentless in getting their way, and letting you know that they are extremly pissed when they simply don't get their way... It is making me doubt my whole strategy of parenting.. Two versus one at any given time sucks. I am not even sure where I am going with this post.. The boys will be five in a little over a week, and all I keep thinking about is how much more I still need to do... not for party preparations or gifts to buy, but lessons and foundations that I want to be instilled.. I want them to see the world in good eyes.. not the " I think everyone has a motive" eye, mom has. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... debate, discuss, scream, cry, laugh, throw body on floor and lose mind, hug, kiss, I love you,

repeat. But some how, it's not always easy... no matter how hard I fake it!

Bandaids....

most of the time in my life I go on living, without really realizing the damage that has been done.. until the moment I am sitting on the couch with my smirky friend.. and find out, you have a lot of scars.. that need to be covered.. healed.. bandaided..( if that is even a word) if you know me, you know I like making up words.. just cuz, I can.. and on a serious note.. the things that happen in your life, really do effect your life.. I have been through some things.. none of which I will ever endulge in a internet blog.. but enough to know that it takes time to feel OK. Somethings require you to become so vulnerable, and other times, taking a hard look in the mirror, and often wondering.. well what and why? when in reality.. You don't need to know.. You just grow. Cover them up.. with a pretty bandaid. I have this other friend.. and she's with someone who is not nice to her, at all~ I tell her all the time "jill" for privacy sake.. let him go!! But, like me, she has to learn on her own.. her time will come, and she will put on her bandaid. I hope for her sake, it's sooner then later, cuz she knows life is too short, to be woman, just waiting for someone else to cover up the damage. Now Smirky is another story all together.. she has waited, and waited and waited, played the game, lost the game.. and stuck through a game until it ended.. I finally see her smiling.. and you know why? She found a bandaid.. a great one, one that actually appricates her for her, and makes her voice change, and heart smile.. this is great to watch.. cuz I have seen her for 6 years.. pretend her bandaid was working.. but now, it works.. really works. I write this tonight.. because, I found my bandaid...It was here all along.. sometimes we just miss eachother.. we get lost, distracted, overwhelmed.. irritated, crabby.. sad, mad.. but deep down, where it counts.. we have LOVE. I never thought I could say that ... I never thought I would want to heal.. and someway, somehow.. I do now.

these days...

these days my mind has been wondering.................
these days I don't know if my head is on so tight...
then I peak out the window , and it goes back to right.......
having your eyes open,  isn't always fun, oh to be young again, only to see what you want to.
I realize as the tides have turned...
not everyone will have your back, not everyone is REAL. amazing how some are so good at faking like they give a shit. only to find out through games that they never have, and probably never will....
these days I wont try hard to impress you, for you are not my family
these days I wont even flinch if you don't like me..
today I know, It's ok.
I know too many people caught up in the game, the game is stupid... no one ever really wins.. but there is a bounty full of losers.
I get tired of feeling broken.
I get tired of felling sick.
I never get tired of hearing the laughter that motherhood brings...
to be real... sobriety is an amazing thing..
without sounding like someone speaking at a NA meeting.. sometimes being spun, knocked down.. and kicked in the teeth.. is the best feeling.. why?
FEELINGs, that is why.
some of you will get this, others will just see it as another ramble.. I do that alot.. but this august makes 11 years.. I never thought I would make it this far...
and guess what? I did.
so these days, I don't take shit from people.
I don't let my past be my future... I don't forget it, I embrace it, I don't feel pity, I feel proud..
these days are not worth wasting.. and neither is my time...
and I wont waste any more of yours...

these days.. my life is great, with you, or with out.

no title.. just words.

the kiddos laughing, fighting, crying, making up languages, explaining their eyes of the world,...all the would have, could have,  talk with other moms when your out and about... wondering why being a parent to twins is any different than being a mother to singletons... but, I think twin moms are a unique blend...
I have read some common pet peeves, and hear them as well... these are just some of my personal discoveries..
Whenever someone says, I raised 2 boys and they were 18 mnts. apart, so I Feel your pain.
my thought is.... no it's not the same at all, the same age at the same time, means you get to deal with the good times, bad times, all times, times two... and just because they are twins doesn't mean they have the same style of losing it.. that would be too easy!  And when they lose it at the same time.. put it this way, if your guns are  not developed by now... you can't carry both of them out of a public place like two sacks of potatoes, and be on your way.. No not in this world..
What you can do, is buy stupid stuff, Angry Bird erasers... built like Lego's, and make a interesting game that requires you to say out loud, in public.... " If you don't behave, I am taking your piggies away"... oh the looks..
sometimes I find things that work, sometimes they are the most ridiculous bits of nonsense I have ever cooked up, sometimes it's just a disaster, sometimes it works out and I had nothing to do with it at all...
parenting..
it's one of those things that make your adult ADD mind stimulated., and the child in you can be reborn, to be just as crazy as ever...
you get to be kicked out of 'their room", hear," No girls allowed".... and I laugh, because giving me time to myself, is the nicest gift of all..
and they are almost five..
the best of friends, and the worst of enemies... all in one day at times...
today however, was a best friend day... and as they throw angry birds at structures they spent all afternoon building.. I think to myself, Liz..
You got this!

pic's...

Patch of Clovers

A super cute boy.

Ropes are amazing...

I pout, Because I caN.

I love Rhinos

it's kinda me, right?

I have been keeping this tight feeling inside me for a minute...
not sure what it means, not sure where it came from.. and not sure I care...
I have been struggling lately with the bite of words.. that i wont let come out of my mouth.. dare I hurt your feelings...
Maybe that is the tightness, I am holding me back... keeping me from just being me.
I don't know what defines me lately.. aside from Mother, and awesome chick.. there just has to be more...
from now on.. I will use self discovery as a method to my madness... I don't like flowers.. so I will pick them.
I don't like tears.. So we will laugh...I don't like to stare, so I will avoid you... I don't want to sound pretentious.. so I will remain naive...

right now I hate Barking... so here is your muther fuckin treat.

The third shift wifey

it seems like my vow to eliminate distractions from my life has been working.. I spend all day long with my kiddos taking care of life and routines, laughing, living, learning our enviornment exploring dirt, and grime, seeking out tunnels of doom, and finding unique ways to understand distruction, pick things up we put together, discovering their inner dare devils.. you know the kind, lets just forget that bikes have brakes and just ride them as fast as we can and bail, because it's fun~ When mommy has to talk to a neighbor about some important matters, they manage to eat a stock pile of cookies, run around like cookie crack heads, dance around naked... and then they finally fall asleep, and this is just an average day in the life.. but when bedtime arrives, and they are safe and sound, I am here alone..
I wonder how many other third shift wifey's out there have this problem.. the I can' fall asleep at night syndrome... but I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired?
I have spent the past few weeks just running all day with the boys, doing this and that.. and not even really having a moment of just shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. me time.  Right now while I sit here and type, I have a cat sitting on my lap and a dog laying on my feet.. two snoring co~sleepers in my bed.. and one brain with thoughts that just keep me spinning and spinning.
I should try a hobby, but then I would probably never follow through, all the books I begin are amazing at first, then after an hour or so, I become board, I swear this adult ADD, is something else.
I am trying to find a way to reconnect with my creative bug, the poet that lives deep in my soul.. I have never written about good things in life... soooooooooooooooo, it's not as easy to flow.
I run around all day and live the closest thing to amazing I know for a life, I hustle and try to keep on looking deep for that prize... Didn't win the mega millions.. who knew that a couple of four year olds could produce so much laundry? Why doesn't anyone eat what I cook for dinner? Why must the dog insist on being my best friend? Why did I agree to 'watch' a couple of kids for spring break? Who really wants to buy baby chicks in this town? Where is the organic LOVE ?.... and these are just a few of my rambling thoughts....
this is what the third shift wifey does...