The third shift wifey

it seems like my vow to eliminate distractions from my life has been working.. I spend all day long with my kiddos taking care of life and routines, laughing, living, learning our enviornment exploring dirt, and grime, seeking out tunnels of doom, and finding unique ways to understand distruction, pick things up we put together, discovering their inner dare devils.. you know the kind, lets just forget that bikes have brakes and just ride them as fast as we can and bail, because it's fun~ When mommy has to talk to a neighbor about some important matters, they manage to eat a stock pile of cookies, run around like cookie crack heads, dance around naked... and then they finally fall asleep, and this is just an average day in the life.. but when bedtime arrives, and they are safe and sound, I am here alone..
I wonder how many other third shift wifey's out there have this problem.. the I can' fall asleep at night syndrome... but I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired?
I have spent the past few weeks just running all day with the boys, doing this and that.. and not even really having a moment of just shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. me time.  Right now while I sit here and type, I have a cat sitting on my lap and a dog laying on my feet.. two snoring co~sleepers in my bed.. and one brain with thoughts that just keep me spinning and spinning.
I should try a hobby, but then I would probably never follow through, all the books I begin are amazing at first, then after an hour or so, I become board, I swear this adult ADD, is something else.
I am trying to find a way to reconnect with my creative bug, the poet that lives deep in my soul.. I have never written about good things in life... soooooooooooooooo, it's not as easy to flow.
I run around all day and live the closest thing to amazing I know for a life, I hustle and try to keep on looking deep for that prize... Didn't win the mega millions.. who knew that a couple of four year olds could produce so much laundry? Why doesn't anyone eat what I cook for dinner? Why must the dog insist on being my best friend? Why did I agree to 'watch' a couple of kids for spring break? Who really wants to buy baby chicks in this town? Where is the organic LOVE ?.... and these are just a few of my rambling thoughts....
this is what the third shift wifey does...

The Orange Rhino~ Yer kidding right?

ahh facebook, the escape at night from chaos and parenting... seeing that i was blessed the first time around with Twins, I know someone in the universe has a sense of humor.. my 4.5 year olds whom I usually refer to as Mayhem and Madness are the joy of most days, the reason my feet hit the floor every morning with a kick ass attitude, a reason to make a difference, I think most mom's will get where I am going with this explanation ( at least I hope) so, on my usual browse of what;s going on in facebook land one evening, a friend had shared this Orange Rhino blog.
I love reading Mom blogs, the honest cut throat, real deal of parenting.. the non cookie cutter way things really go down.. as soon as I read this blog I was both laughing and thinking.. wait a minute this woman is on to something!
NO YELLING? for 365 days, she's got to be crazy... I can't even go two hours with out something exploding in this house, let alone 365 days...
Most who know me know, I believe every thing happens for a reason, so that night I read this blog, for weeks the twins father and I had been having discussions about some not so great boy behavior and ways to make it disappear and how I could handle my own reactions to things better, I am so guilty of being the YELLER, I mean really, let the list begin:
Fighting : "quit kicking your brother!" "quit punching each other" "Don't jump off the table, Share those cars, " DON"T SAY MEAN THING TO YOUR BROTHER"  " I SAID GET IN THE BATH" "FOOD IS NOT A TOY" GET OFF THE COUNTER, LEAVE THE DOGS ALONE, THE CAT IS NOT YOUR PILLOW, IT'S BED TIME, KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT , i SAID YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT! and my favorite, " I SAID NO!"... and this is the short version..
Every time I would find myself being tested, my voice would go to 11! When I was a child, yelling was talking.. and then Eureka, I am going to take this challenge~
I mean after all, I have not had a diet coke for three weeks, I can give up yelling! uh huh.. I can do anything.. I am LIZ!
Can I do it? Can I really not yell at these two? Will I whisper? Walk away? Laugh? Not give in to the daily tag team of who's the boss?? and the answer to all these questions is YES~~
The orange Rhino challenge is working!!!
I have survived Ten full days, and here is what I have noticed, not gonna lie, the boys haven't transformed into these saints that don't scream, fight, cry or share all the time... but I see what I have control over, I see that I have better ways of coping with frustration, anger, sleep deprivation, headaches, and any unwanted behavior..I know they wont give up testing me, that is after all their job...
My motivation is the same as it ever was... I know that my boys learn behavior and how to handle themselves by watching how I do these things... I know that I want them to grow up with better coping skills and learn that screaming and yelling does nothing but escalate the situation and leaves everyone in tears...
The first time I ever held them in my arms after giving birth, I knew that through it all, the laughter, the tears, the fear, the unconditional love.. that I had a job to do.
Not yelling is perhaps one of the best gifts I can give to them, life already has a bunch of obstacles .. I want to control the ones I can!
I'll let you know how I feel at 20 days, but right now the best feeling I feel is empowerment!
G and D might still be yelling and having their catastrophic meltdowns... but Mommy is working on breathing and walking away from that behavior and embracing the laughter, the tears and the good times we have between it all!
Cheers to coffee, and knowing that it's possible~ I am never alone and neither are you~

where have I been?

 four years ago today, I heard the most horrible words ever spoken...
your son has cancer, most know what that entailed for me, and this isn't about that...
I have to say, looking at where we all are today, makes all that hurt and broken mend...
My kid is amazing, he actually had a moment today where he stopped everything he was doing and ran up to me and said, " Mom your amazing, I want to give you a smooch", and he did.
I realized at that moment, like so many others, he was right. I am!
and so is he.. and humble, I don't think he realized how much I needed that!
I told myself this year, I wont cry, this year I am doing something different.. three days from now marks the day we kick cancer's ass out of his eye, by removing his eye, and rather than sit and feel angry and sad, I am going to laugh with the boys!
we are going to celebrate this day, from now on! It changed me, and in alot of ways it made me the woman I am today!
 I have not treated him any different, for that I am proud! His twin brother is not only his best friend but has stood by him thru every appointment, he helps clean his eye, he cheers him on.. so reality is, I am pretty darn lucky to have given birth to two of the most amazing little boys on the planet!

The Best!

I know, every mom says that, but I really feel that!
So four YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It does get easier, and the moments it sucks, I look back at how far we've come~

ROck Stars.. yup that's what we are!

ramble

 the coolest thing about hanging with the twins before bedtime, is the games we play just the three of us, and lately the boys have developed this awesome technique in making each other feel good, by each narrating what were building and how to do it.. we count the blocks and build different structures and count the blocks til our towers tumble.. it's just great going around this tiny circle of our own special game...cheering each other on, and saying things like, "nuts", "maybe next time", 'oh I loss, No big deal"... seems like alot of our activity and home school time, makes the world of difference...
putting them to bed and getting extra tight snuggle time, then I look and see these two four year olds being the best they can be, and trying to just figure out, how I can make it better.... bigger and better~
Or should i just be happy, I am doing the best I can... the best~
All this talk about Santa watching, makes wonders for getting them to "behave" so, maybe every month I should just throw out a Character who's watching them, and see where it leads...
Eventually, I hope all these small lessons, and moments will make a world of difference, when they brave the big "PRE-K".. right, because this is where I differ from most, I don't need that "break", and I don't my need to worry about their every move for two hours with a stranger, is suppose to be "me time", my me time is now.. when they are tucked safely in bed, and I get to sip on a glass of ice cold water, and store bought, horrible for you, but expires Thursday so I have to drink it.... eGG nog.
I smile because this year, this Christmas, our tree is decorated with so many things they have made, and I scream of excitement inside, because I know that we will have years more to make, and pick, and eventually have a tree so big, we will have to take 5 hours to decorate.. lol
whatever it takes, I just love our bond! It's so unique and wonderful, every night before bed we all discuss our day, and what we did.. they say what the observed, and sometimes their observations can bring mama into check, I know no parents are perfect, but most are out trying everything possible just to maintain that back yard, and here we are just dreaming of having the back yard.. to worry about losing it....
this is what I call a ramble blog... one in which i just type the thoughts that pop in my head, and don't care whether u read it and give a shit or just think.. wow, Liz is onto something today...
either way, with Michael working the third shift.. i stay up soo much later, I feel like I have to remain in "mom guard mode" cuz at night things seem... not so right.
I have the best security.. Saki and now Buddy... although, Buddy is quite the lets lay in my lap or bark at me from a distance pup.. but he's getting better everyday...
I don't know where this is going.. so I am going to stop the ramble...
it goes on and on..
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Shit and STuff

Wow, it has been some crazy few days in my head... then last night I get this huge reminder of why I am so glad I know what clean is.  Having clarity, and thoughts that matter.  I dug deep to find my happy place, that special place where the sunshines bright.. and warm........



I sit here and contemplate why even after nine years, I can still beat myself up about things.. oh I know, because they don't lie when they tell you that drugs destroy your body, they aren't making that shit up.
I often wonder if I am the only one who shivers when I see a hypodermic needle, or get confused when there is a tinfoil on the ground... or gaze at the ghetto and feel this strange lurking?
I know I am not alone, and that recovery is a forever thing.. I have this joy since sobriety, finding that inner peace and will and knowing that I wouldn't be who I am today if not for the things that I did when I was young and thought It was all fun.. all the while I simply just hated myself...
I will never fully ever understand the whys, or the hows, and I really don't even like to dwell on it.
I am ever so proud thou of the TODAY!
I live for today, I live for tomorrow, I am proud that I could change me to become the things I was destined to be....
I get lost sometimes, because I wonder, what if they knew, would they even want to like me today?
I am a different woman then I was then... in so many ways, I get shivers now just thinking about it, this amazing woman has been inside me all these years.. yet I get caught up in sick thinking, and obsessive nature...
I lose me when I let things get out of my hands... but I know what is in my hands.
So, as I contemplate what great things I have today, I sit now and think ... what the fuck was I thinking?

Why...

The moment you say, ah ha

So lately I have been on this whoa is me kick, things go a little like this...
no money, no job, no ambition, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
fill in the blank.
I look out my window and stare, think of how much worse things could be...
I realize that everything happens for a reason, and I am by no means in control of it at all.
I have spent days, DAYS, dealing with a very strong minded little boy, who will remain nameless, but every time I look at his face I see that small part of me, grrr I get soo angry, but not at him, at me.
I know that he has had it rough, he has been through more than your average four year old should ever have had to endure, so he's allowed to be pissy and angry, and well as his mother, so am I.
I always catch myself right around the Holiday's turning into this grumpy gal, who is angry at the world, and I realize that I have a bit of control over that.  Maybe I get mad because this exact day november 19th 2007, I told my son's doctor that I keep seeing things in his left eye and he ignored me, then a few months later I find out my baby has cancer, maybe I get mad because their father still hasn't been able to find a job, maybe I get mad because  I chose to stay at home and be a mom until they start school, maybe I am mad because I don't have control over the universe, and then I had it.. I had that moment, it was like BOOM.


Graham You are my superman!

Listen, your life is not perfect, it wasn't meant to be, you had a crazy few years before you ever even uttered the word mother, and you survived, you beat your beast and survived!
Your Son has your blood, your genes, your will, your strength, he's just reminding you where to find it...
INSIDE YOU.. duh, all this time I spent looking, searching, digging deep in other things, and all the while I had to say goodbye to the girl I was, and accept the woman that I am. 

When were crazy!

Life is not always going to be fun, nor easy..  it isn't suppose to be, without any scars your just  average, and lord knows I am anything but average.
Sometimes you have to just sit back and realize it's not the overwhelming crazy dark moments that cripple you, but, the ability to embrace the wonderful ones  sure does~


So that is why I say ah ha, I will not continue to be this broken person, I will strive to be a bad ass and just keep livin like I have these thirty some years... right? No one know's survival like me, well I shouldn't say no one, because some do, were in a unique club!  Right now I am the mother to one of the coolest survivors I know!


The best of times!

Halloween 2011

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This was a great Halloween for the kiddos, they had so much fun running around and being free spirits with our closest friends.. I really know we are blessed to have a great group of people we call our freinds... they are special to our family and can't wait to share many more! much love to you guys!