awakening

This little boy is my Hero! My amazing son, Graham,  He was so proud of himself, He walked his survivor lap with his juice box in one hand and his metal in the other, he was beaming, giving people High fives, and HOPE! I heard a few people tell me this weekned that they didn't envy me, and nor should they.  I met a complete stranger who told me that I shouldn't stop speaking, and sharing our story, and that I was a decent public speaker, as I stood with my son by my side and he did nothing but be himself, and as if he was possessed by a power greater than himself, after telling our story, I picked him up and he yells into the microphone, "I am a survivor!"  Needless to say, I think most people cried!  I needed to participate in this Relay for Life event this year, because it's been three years since Graham's diagnosis, and I had a lot of healing to do.  I needed to let a lot out, and let it go.. I did that night... Here a just a couple of shots of the lit lumineers.... I still tear up thinking bout it.  We had about 15 for Graham.. and that touched my heart!

Over 2000 bags lit in honor of those who have survived and those we have loss to CANCER!



I may never understand why us, , why my son, why your mom, or your aunt or your best friend, husband, child, wife, cousin whomever we may know... I don't think I am suppose to.  I learned this weekend, that I can find strength in myself, and strangers ... and  Friends show up when you need them most!

It does stink.. but, it doesn't stop!

Things they say

she said she was, "fed up, done, over it".. that she needed to "Find the strength to let him go"...
but,she hasn't. 

he told me,"you missed the boat on that one"

she says,"your my best friend"

he say's,"I love you"

"please", "thank you"

"ha, you're amazing"

"you're such a strong woman"

"only you understand me"

these are just a few of the things I have heard lately..
I wonder thou, sometimes when people share thoughts, and fears and emotions.. what they are looking for in return?
I wonder, are we just all waiting for the puzzle piece that fits us just so?
To know that finally we are not alone in are thinking? For me,most of the time my thinking is sooooo off, when someone clicks with me, I almost instantly catch myself wanting to do back flips because, they get it!!
What is IT? well it's me!
I don't need a translator.
I totally feel the whole, if you;re not with me you are against me, because in my life it has always been so true.
this is going nowhere..
I just wanted to find out from people, do you get excited when you find people who get it?
Get you?
I do!

a little piece of mind

Do you see what I see?
This foot? It leaves a mark, it touches many people.... sooooooooooooooooo often. Blink and you'll miss it.

This is a venting session... one that needs to get out, out of my head, it will stay in my heart, but it needs out of my head...
"are you single?"
" do they see their dad on the weekend?"
"it must be hard raising twin boys alone"
...
    Welcome to my world.... nope not single,  yup the boys see their Dad on the weekends, and yes, it sure as fuck is hard raising twin boys alone.
Doesn't make sense does it?
NO.... NO....... I have always been in relationships that are unhealthy.. having children doesn't change that... it only changes me.
I  am the best mother, he's the sometimes best game, I am the healer, the calmer downer, the bedtime routine, the bath, the dinner, lunch and breakfast, the park, the museum, the zoo, the walk, the teacher of skipping stones, the hide and seek, the computer games, the abc's the potty trainer, the world....... I am the mother!
Does it make me angry?
Sometimes.. do I cry? sometimes... is it gonna break me? HELL NO!
I am not the one missing out here folks...
 I just hope that he realizes that he needs to snap out of it...
before someone else scoops me up and does~
and people wonder why I will never get married..
ha, that's laughable..
don't judge me, or feel sorry for me or my kids...  they got the best thing in the world.. ME :) and in return I have that peace.

ramble on rose

Graham you saved my soul

 So lately I have just sat back an thought about so many things, the thoughts that ramble in my mind, the dreams I had, that somehow I let slip away, the courage I use to have, now turned in to  anxiety coupled with fear...
Ever get that feeling when your at a playground with your kiddos, and they are up HIGH ... and you panic... like everything is in slow slow slow motion?
didn't think so...
Do you have an Unexplained fear of someone always out to get you?

My twins saved my life, THEY Saved it.... One of these days I will  be brave enough to share the  details with what I call the average bear, but for now it;s safe in my heart....
I received a balance bracelet .... it's time... I practiced my old Yoga routine last few nights and don't have the balance to even hold a pose.. POISON... yup... my inner peace is destroyed.  



So here is a fucked piece I wrote... don't read into it too much yo..................

Moving forward looking out the broken window, shattered glass all over the dead lawn, tears of freedom , tears waiting to be reborn.  She can't taste tomorrow
and yesterday sucks, so she waits for the mission , her statement, the sometime ,somewhere, good luck. Win some, lose some, money train, ride some, can't be the one to die some tonight. Alone she whispers her anthem in the streets.  A middle class white girl can't talk about growing up in the ghetto, but can tell you the In's and outs of visiting it to buy her a piece of  mind.  It will surely fuck your world up.  It might feel like a slice of pie, sweet for about a week, then everything around you is bitter and well not so sweet.


look into those broken eyes



  My momma once told me that I would never know what love was... I told her I would be the last one standing and the last one to fall... Today I know it's ok to learn by mistakes, just be careful when crossing the broken streets, and don't get stuck in the lies and deception of addiction, it blinds you, destroys you, abruptly nothing matters, not even you.. that street is all you remember the spot, the corner, the hustlers, the gun shots, the deaths, the rape.... fools know, fools fall... Soldiers get back up and make life better...

10 years later.. here I am.... there they are

the best beings in my life! I wouldn't ever trade this for anything!

THIS IS LOVE!! NO DOUBT

untitled

Crossed insanity, the blvd. is hazy, the intersection was crazed, mad lunatics watched from afar.
The sirens chased the shadows into the dark colored bushes and we reminisce about the old days and how we use to play with broken glass and rubber bands to help heal the tight wounds we kept in the palms of our hands... The mad display of insanity marches through all the peaceful creatures heads, Why is this going on? Why should anyone even care?
Why is the insanity so profound?  Why is the world crashing down?  When will the sleepy, creepiness die down? When will the loneliness conquer the dreams of lost devotion?
When I cry the music seeps into my tear drops.  The loneliness will eventually eat me alive.
Sad thing is all I really want to do is drive, fast or slow, or somewhere in between the monsters so they don't find me. 
Grabbed a hold of me, Held me softly, tore my racy clothes, some which were made with gold... Oh how the wind it blows.  Blowing thru what's left of my feathered hair, laughing at all the people who stare....
Freaks me out when the clouds hit my spot, emotionally torn from here back to there, wondering when I even began to care.. Lesser tomorrow's bring back the flashes of last year... and I am alone again, it's always near.  Love him that is for sure, but ,what about tonight?

ureka

I have to write about this brilliant Idea, most of you know Graham and his fight with Retinoblastoma which has left him with one eye, and it's an amazing eye!
I think we are  going to start a foundation to not only raise awareness, but  also, start a fund to raise money for his future prothethics.. as I know one day that expense will fall in his lap.
He takes great pictures, he loves the camera.. it's like his loss eye...
So... all spring and summer he is gonna get to work, start getting shots of whatever his heart desires, and then when we get a good amount of shots, I will have him help me edit them, and put together a photo book, and start making him some awareness funds and a trust for that missing eye...
Now to find the perfect camera... that's the tough part.

Nice

Nice
I am the kind of nice that always gets taken advantaged of, for example, lets say were in a long line at the grocery store and I notice you have like two things, I usually say, "Go Ahead".
Nice
I am the kind of nice that if your waiting in line to use the bathroom, and I see you doing the Potty Dance, I say, "Go Ahead".
Nice
I am the kind of nice that tells you, " your hair looks amazing" when no one else has bothered to notice.
Nice
I am the kind of nice that even if I HATE what you want to do for fun, I am right there by your side, laughing at all the fun you are having.
Nice, Nice, toooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fuckin nice.
I wonder where this stems from, I hope it goes away, it's like that doormat, lets just wipe our feet on it over and over. Let's kick some dirt on it.
Nice
A old man at Marsh today, while I was paying our Electric bill, bought me a lotto ticket, he said, " sweety you have the nicest eyes I have ever seen!" .... nice
so I scratched and won... a free ticket.. and said, "This is for you, that was the nicest thing an adult has done for me today".. he scratches and wins $1000.00... smiles, and says " NICE"
I walked away... then stopped and said, "Donate some of that money to Childhood Cancer reasearch, Please!"

What the fuck? REally, like I said I am too fuckin Nice.