ramble

 the coolest thing about hanging with the twins before bedtime, is the games we play just the three of us, and lately the boys have developed this awesome technique in making each other feel good, by each narrating what were building and how to do it.. we count the blocks and build different structures and count the blocks til our towers tumble.. it's just great going around this tiny circle of our own special game...cheering each other on, and saying things like, "nuts", "maybe next time", 'oh I loss, No big deal"... seems like alot of our activity and home school time, makes the world of difference...
putting them to bed and getting extra tight snuggle time, then I look and see these two four year olds being the best they can be, and trying to just figure out, how I can make it better.... bigger and better~
Or should i just be happy, I am doing the best I can... the best~
All this talk about Santa watching, makes wonders for getting them to "behave" so, maybe every month I should just throw out a Character who's watching them, and see where it leads...
Eventually, I hope all these small lessons, and moments will make a world of difference, when they brave the big "PRE-K".. right, because this is where I differ from most, I don't need that "break", and I don't my need to worry about their every move for two hours with a stranger, is suppose to be "me time", my me time is now.. when they are tucked safely in bed, and I get to sip on a glass of ice cold water, and store bought, horrible for you, but expires Thursday so I have to drink it.... eGG nog.
I smile because this year, this Christmas, our tree is decorated with so many things they have made, and I scream of excitement inside, because I know that we will have years more to make, and pick, and eventually have a tree so big, we will have to take 5 hours to decorate.. lol
whatever it takes, I just love our bond! It's so unique and wonderful, every night before bed we all discuss our day, and what we did.. they say what the observed, and sometimes their observations can bring mama into check, I know no parents are perfect, but most are out trying everything possible just to maintain that back yard, and here we are just dreaming of having the back yard.. to worry about losing it....
this is what I call a ramble blog... one in which i just type the thoughts that pop in my head, and don't care whether u read it and give a shit or just think.. wow, Liz is onto something today...
either way, with Michael working the third shift.. i stay up soo much later, I feel like I have to remain in "mom guard mode" cuz at night things seem... not so right.
I have the best security.. Saki and now Buddy... although, Buddy is quite the lets lay in my lap or bark at me from a distance pup.. but he's getting better everyday...
I don't know where this is going.. so I am going to stop the ramble...
it goes on and on..
:

Shit and STuff

Wow, it has been some crazy few days in my head... then last night I get this huge reminder of why I am so glad I know what clean is.  Having clarity, and thoughts that matter.  I dug deep to find my happy place, that special place where the sunshines bright.. and warm........



I sit here and contemplate why even after nine years, I can still beat myself up about things.. oh I know, because they don't lie when they tell you that drugs destroy your body, they aren't making that shit up.
I often wonder if I am the only one who shivers when I see a hypodermic needle, or get confused when there is a tinfoil on the ground... or gaze at the ghetto and feel this strange lurking?
I know I am not alone, and that recovery is a forever thing.. I have this joy since sobriety, finding that inner peace and will and knowing that I wouldn't be who I am today if not for the things that I did when I was young and thought It was all fun.. all the while I simply just hated myself...
I will never fully ever understand the whys, or the hows, and I really don't even like to dwell on it.
I am ever so proud thou of the TODAY!
I live for today, I live for tomorrow, I am proud that I could change me to become the things I was destined to be....
I get lost sometimes, because I wonder, what if they knew, would they even want to like me today?
I am a different woman then I was then... in so many ways, I get shivers now just thinking about it, this amazing woman has been inside me all these years.. yet I get caught up in sick thinking, and obsessive nature...
I lose me when I let things get out of my hands... but I know what is in my hands.
So, as I contemplate what great things I have today, I sit now and think ... what the fuck was I thinking?

Why...

The moment you say, ah ha

So lately I have been on this whoa is me kick, things go a little like this...
no money, no job, no ambition, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
fill in the blank.
I look out my window and stare, think of how much worse things could be...
I realize that everything happens for a reason, and I am by no means in control of it at all.
I have spent days, DAYS, dealing with a very strong minded little boy, who will remain nameless, but every time I look at his face I see that small part of me, grrr I get soo angry, but not at him, at me.
I know that he has had it rough, he has been through more than your average four year old should ever have had to endure, so he's allowed to be pissy and angry, and well as his mother, so am I.
I always catch myself right around the Holiday's turning into this grumpy gal, who is angry at the world, and I realize that I have a bit of control over that.  Maybe I get mad because this exact day november 19th 2007, I told my son's doctor that I keep seeing things in his left eye and he ignored me, then a few months later I find out my baby has cancer, maybe I get mad because their father still hasn't been able to find a job, maybe I get mad because  I chose to stay at home and be a mom until they start school, maybe I am mad because I don't have control over the universe, and then I had it.. I had that moment, it was like BOOM.


Graham You are my superman!

Listen, your life is not perfect, it wasn't meant to be, you had a crazy few years before you ever even uttered the word mother, and you survived, you beat your beast and survived!
Your Son has your blood, your genes, your will, your strength, he's just reminding you where to find it...
INSIDE YOU.. duh, all this time I spent looking, searching, digging deep in other things, and all the while I had to say goodbye to the girl I was, and accept the woman that I am. 

When were crazy!

Life is not always going to be fun, nor easy..  it isn't suppose to be, without any scars your just  average, and lord knows I am anything but average.
Sometimes you have to just sit back and realize it's not the overwhelming crazy dark moments that cripple you, but, the ability to embrace the wonderful ones  sure does~


So that is why I say ah ha, I will not continue to be this broken person, I will strive to be a bad ass and just keep livin like I have these thirty some years... right? No one know's survival like me, well I shouldn't say no one, because some do, were in a unique club!  Right now I am the mother to one of the coolest survivors I know!


The best of times!

Halloween 2011

Click here to view these pictures larger

This was a great Halloween for the kiddos, they had so much fun running around and being free spirits with our closest friends.. I really know we are blessed to have a great group of people we call our freinds... they are special to our family and can't wait to share many more! much love to you guys!

Stay Still

Something magical happens when you become a mother, for me I remember waiting after giving birth to the twins to just see them and hold them for the first time, for the days the twins were born were pretty amazing, but not what I had scripted in my mind as the day of child birth, on a personal level.

But after the moment has come and gone, that something magical has already happened... after that first gaze into their tiny eyes..

What a great journey this has been for me, and every so often things happen and I am soooooo reminded of this amazing gift.

Seeing them laugh, run, explore, touch, talk, discuss, cry ( throw some sort of fit) torment the new puppy and love him at the same time.. all these moments are magical.

Mother nature gives us the gift of  amazing weather on a fall day to explore, I think everyone can relate, throw  in a beautiful park with so many fall colors and leaves (DAMN I FORGOT THEIR LEAVES) to explore, days like this , getting just to forget about everything else and be a child with your kids, be together and Still, NO distractions, NO chill, just a bunch of ladybugs, dirt trails with a couple of four year old imaginations and I swear you have a simple sort of magic!



With amazing things to photograph... These are special days, everyday... WE live we live, we live.. it's soooooo often we forget to stay still~

Something about being sick

There is something fascinating about being sick, the world doesn't stop around you...
the kids still run a muck and need you, mother nature doesn't stop changing the weather, the world around you just continues.. but you somehow are stuck.
It seems like every time I get sick, I feel soooooooooooo defeated, so gross, so worn out! I have slept more the past three days then I have in months.. yet somehow I Don't feel refreshed, I feel groggy and confused.
It's like my brain is working but at a very slow speed... I am anxious to try anything to help boost my horrible immune system.
I Think sometimes being a mother has given me super powers, I still manage to get up, clean, do what needs to be done, play with the kids, hug on the man, and still feel put together wearing a mask.
The puppy is getting his exercise and potty time, the boys are getting mommy time, and even managing to help take care of me...
this shows me the most enlightening thing.. My children are amazing, when mom is down and out, they somehow know to lift my spirit... "Daddy we have to get Mommy medicine, she needs to feel better"
"Mommy, I love you, here's a hug... it makes me better"
and you know what folks? It works.. the magic of seeing them be amazing souls has some how lifted me to feeling better, my head is not pounding, my muscles are sore as shit, but I feel peaceful.. I feel special, lucky.. LOVED!
This is the magic of parenthood, of doing whatever it takes, at no matter what costs... and today I see the rewards of that from two amazing four year old boys!
Who are in need of a hair cut... ahhhhhhhhhhh the work never stops, but these faces make it all worth it!

Unschool

You look lost," the bird said.

"I don't think so. I mean, I'm not sure if I'm lost," the boy replied. "I really
hadn't thought about it."

... "Hadn't thought about it?" said the bird. "You must have some idea of where
you're going, yes?"

"Well... I've been following the path. It seems as if many people have taken it
before me, and a very helpful cat guided me back to the path when I started to
wander."

The crickets fell silent as the bird asked,

"But where do YOU want to be going?"

"I'm not sure," said the boy as he looked around at the dark, tangled swamp,
"but I do know that THIS isn't where I want to be. I guess I AM lost."

The bird said, "Ask yourself where it is you want to go, and then follow the
signs you already know."


*** I sure hope I have the power, the will and the way to keep my boys right where they belong.. free from other peoples agendas!****