Bandaids....

most of the time in my life I go on living, without really realizing the damage that has been done.. until the moment I am sitting on the couch with my smirky friend.. and find out, you have a lot of scars.. that need to be covered.. healed.. bandaided..( if that is even a word) if you know me, you know I like making up words.. just cuz, I can.. and on a serious note.. the things that happen in your life, really do effect your life.. I have been through some things.. none of which I will ever endulge in a internet blog.. but enough to know that it takes time to feel OK. Somethings require you to become so vulnerable, and other times, taking a hard look in the mirror, and often wondering.. well what and why? when in reality.. You don't need to know.. You just grow. Cover them up.. with a pretty bandaid. I have this other friend.. and she's with someone who is not nice to her, at all~ I tell her all the time "jill" for privacy sake.. let him go!! But, like me, she has to learn on her own.. her time will come, and she will put on her bandaid. I hope for her sake, it's sooner then later, cuz she knows life is too short, to be woman, just waiting for someone else to cover up the damage. Now Smirky is another story all together.. she has waited, and waited and waited, played the game, lost the game.. and stuck through a game until it ended.. I finally see her smiling.. and you know why? She found a bandaid.. a great one, one that actually appricates her for her, and makes her voice change, and heart smile.. this is great to watch.. cuz I have seen her for 6 years.. pretend her bandaid was working.. but now, it works.. really works. I write this tonight.. because, I found my bandaid...It was here all along.. sometimes we just miss eachother.. we get lost, distracted, overwhelmed.. irritated, crabby.. sad, mad.. but deep down, where it counts.. we have LOVE. I never thought I could say that ... I never thought I would want to heal.. and someway, somehow.. I do now.

these days...

these days my mind has been wondering.................
these days I don't know if my head is on so tight...
then I peak out the window , and it goes back to right.......
having your eyes open,  isn't always fun, oh to be young again, only to see what you want to.
I realize as the tides have turned...
not everyone will have your back, not everyone is REAL. amazing how some are so good at faking like they give a shit. only to find out through games that they never have, and probably never will....
these days I wont try hard to impress you, for you are not my family
these days I wont even flinch if you don't like me..
today I know, It's ok.
I know too many people caught up in the game, the game is stupid... no one ever really wins.. but there is a bounty full of losers.
I get tired of feeling broken.
I get tired of felling sick.
I never get tired of hearing the laughter that motherhood brings...
to be real... sobriety is an amazing thing..
without sounding like someone speaking at a NA meeting.. sometimes being spun, knocked down.. and kicked in the teeth.. is the best feeling.. why?
FEELINGs, that is why.
some of you will get this, others will just see it as another ramble.. I do that alot.. but this august makes 11 years.. I never thought I would make it this far...
and guess what? I did.
so these days, I don't take shit from people.
I don't let my past be my future... I don't forget it, I embrace it, I don't feel pity, I feel proud..
these days are not worth wasting.. and neither is my time...
and I wont waste any more of yours...

these days.. my life is great, with you, or with out.

no title.. just words.

the kiddos laughing, fighting, crying, making up languages, explaining their eyes of the world,...all the would have, could have,  talk with other moms when your out and about... wondering why being a parent to twins is any different than being a mother to singletons... but, I think twin moms are a unique blend...
I have read some common pet peeves, and hear them as well... these are just some of my personal discoveries..
Whenever someone says, I raised 2 boys and they were 18 mnts. apart, so I Feel your pain.
my thought is.... no it's not the same at all, the same age at the same time, means you get to deal with the good times, bad times, all times, times two... and just because they are twins doesn't mean they have the same style of losing it.. that would be too easy!  And when they lose it at the same time.. put it this way, if your guns are  not developed by now... you can't carry both of them out of a public place like two sacks of potatoes, and be on your way.. No not in this world..
What you can do, is buy stupid stuff, Angry Bird erasers... built like Lego's, and make a interesting game that requires you to say out loud, in public.... " If you don't behave, I am taking your piggies away"... oh the looks..
sometimes I find things that work, sometimes they are the most ridiculous bits of nonsense I have ever cooked up, sometimes it's just a disaster, sometimes it works out and I had nothing to do with it at all...
parenting..
it's one of those things that make your adult ADD mind stimulated., and the child in you can be reborn, to be just as crazy as ever...
you get to be kicked out of 'their room", hear," No girls allowed".... and I laugh, because giving me time to myself, is the nicest gift of all..
and they are almost five..
the best of friends, and the worst of enemies... all in one day at times...
today however, was a best friend day... and as they throw angry birds at structures they spent all afternoon building.. I think to myself, Liz..
You got this!

pic's...

Patch of Clovers

A super cute boy.

Ropes are amazing...

I pout, Because I caN.

I love Rhinos

it's kinda me, right?

I have been keeping this tight feeling inside me for a minute...
not sure what it means, not sure where it came from.. and not sure I care...
I have been struggling lately with the bite of words.. that i wont let come out of my mouth.. dare I hurt your feelings...
Maybe that is the tightness, I am holding me back... keeping me from just being me.
I don't know what defines me lately.. aside from Mother, and awesome chick.. there just has to be more...
from now on.. I will use self discovery as a method to my madness... I don't like flowers.. so I will pick them.
I don't like tears.. So we will laugh...I don't like to stare, so I will avoid you... I don't want to sound pretentious.. so I will remain naive...

right now I hate Barking... so here is your muther fuckin treat.

The third shift wifey

it seems like my vow to eliminate distractions from my life has been working.. I spend all day long with my kiddos taking care of life and routines, laughing, living, learning our enviornment exploring dirt, and grime, seeking out tunnels of doom, and finding unique ways to understand distruction, pick things up we put together, discovering their inner dare devils.. you know the kind, lets just forget that bikes have brakes and just ride them as fast as we can and bail, because it's fun~ When mommy has to talk to a neighbor about some important matters, they manage to eat a stock pile of cookies, run around like cookie crack heads, dance around naked... and then they finally fall asleep, and this is just an average day in the life.. but when bedtime arrives, and they are safe and sound, I am here alone..
I wonder how many other third shift wifey's out there have this problem.. the I can' fall asleep at night syndrome... but I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired?
I have spent the past few weeks just running all day with the boys, doing this and that.. and not even really having a moment of just shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. me time.  Right now while I sit here and type, I have a cat sitting on my lap and a dog laying on my feet.. two snoring co~sleepers in my bed.. and one brain with thoughts that just keep me spinning and spinning.
I should try a hobby, but then I would probably never follow through, all the books I begin are amazing at first, then after an hour or so, I become board, I swear this adult ADD, is something else.
I am trying to find a way to reconnect with my creative bug, the poet that lives deep in my soul.. I have never written about good things in life... soooooooooooooooo, it's not as easy to flow.
I run around all day and live the closest thing to amazing I know for a life, I hustle and try to keep on looking deep for that prize... Didn't win the mega millions.. who knew that a couple of four year olds could produce so much laundry? Why doesn't anyone eat what I cook for dinner? Why must the dog insist on being my best friend? Why did I agree to 'watch' a couple of kids for spring break? Who really wants to buy baby chicks in this town? Where is the organic LOVE ?.... and these are just a few of my rambling thoughts....
this is what the third shift wifey does...

The Orange Rhino~ Yer kidding right?

ahh facebook, the escape at night from chaos and parenting... seeing that i was blessed the first time around with Twins, I know someone in the universe has a sense of humor.. my 4.5 year olds whom I usually refer to as Mayhem and Madness are the joy of most days, the reason my feet hit the floor every morning with a kick ass attitude, a reason to make a difference, I think most mom's will get where I am going with this explanation ( at least I hope) so, on my usual browse of what;s going on in facebook land one evening, a friend had shared this Orange Rhino blog.
I love reading Mom blogs, the honest cut throat, real deal of parenting.. the non cookie cutter way things really go down.. as soon as I read this blog I was both laughing and thinking.. wait a minute this woman is on to something!
NO YELLING? for 365 days, she's got to be crazy... I can't even go two hours with out something exploding in this house, let alone 365 days...
Most who know me know, I believe every thing happens for a reason, so that night I read this blog, for weeks the twins father and I had been having discussions about some not so great boy behavior and ways to make it disappear and how I could handle my own reactions to things better, I am so guilty of being the YELLER, I mean really, let the list begin:
Fighting : "quit kicking your brother!" "quit punching each other" "Don't jump off the table, Share those cars, " DON"T SAY MEAN THING TO YOUR BROTHER"  " I SAID GET IN THE BATH" "FOOD IS NOT A TOY" GET OFF THE COUNTER, LEAVE THE DOGS ALONE, THE CAT IS NOT YOUR PILLOW, IT'S BED TIME, KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT , i SAID YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT! and my favorite, " I SAID NO!"... and this is the short version..
Every time I would find myself being tested, my voice would go to 11! When I was a child, yelling was talking.. and then Eureka, I am going to take this challenge~
I mean after all, I have not had a diet coke for three weeks, I can give up yelling! uh huh.. I can do anything.. I am LIZ!
Can I do it? Can I really not yell at these two? Will I whisper? Walk away? Laugh? Not give in to the daily tag team of who's the boss?? and the answer to all these questions is YES~~
The orange Rhino challenge is working!!!
I have survived Ten full days, and here is what I have noticed, not gonna lie, the boys haven't transformed into these saints that don't scream, fight, cry or share all the time... but I see what I have control over, I see that I have better ways of coping with frustration, anger, sleep deprivation, headaches, and any unwanted behavior..I know they wont give up testing me, that is after all their job...
My motivation is the same as it ever was... I know that my boys learn behavior and how to handle themselves by watching how I do these things... I know that I want them to grow up with better coping skills and learn that screaming and yelling does nothing but escalate the situation and leaves everyone in tears...
The first time I ever held them in my arms after giving birth, I knew that through it all, the laughter, the tears, the fear, the unconditional love.. that I had a job to do.
Not yelling is perhaps one of the best gifts I can give to them, life already has a bunch of obstacles .. I want to control the ones I can!
I'll let you know how I feel at 20 days, but right now the best feeling I feel is empowerment!
G and D might still be yelling and having their catastrophic meltdowns... but Mommy is working on breathing and walking away from that behavior and embracing the laughter, the tears and the good times we have between it all!
Cheers to coffee, and knowing that it's possible~ I am never alone and neither are you~