The Power of Three

For years and years, my number it's been three. 
If you ask me why I wouldn't be able to give you a straight answer.
Have you ever felt like smashing something into peices and then calmly counting to three?
Amazing isn't it?
ha
This week I realized something ...
1/19 marked three years to the date, that I took Graham to the Doctor for his wellness check up at his five month mark, bringing to his attention the flicker I kept seeing in his left eye... I remember being ignored and blown off, as if it wasn't at all a big deal...
I remember leaving that day, knowing that I had a gut feeling, something wasn't right, a  light reflection would not be the cause of what  his father and I were seeing, and went back to the office..
Demanded we see a specialist.. sure we had to wait for the appointment..
the would have, could have, should have.. always gets me.
Those three things.. woulda, shoulda, coulda...
I hate the month of Feburary more than January 19, 2008.
It changed our lives forever, It saved Graham's life, but ,scarred me... and that's ok.  I know that now.
I can be mad, angry, sad, emotional... I am allowed.
Retinoblastoma was not my fault.  It was nothing we could do to prevent, or change or watch out for...
So, three years later, how do I feel?
ha ... good question.
How don't I feel? better question.
 answer... need not apply.
Graham is an amazing little boy, his heart is golden, his spirit is moving, his laughter breaks me down to feeling like I am a three year old most days...Just the thought of him possibly not being here with me and his brother makes me want to puke. It is something I can't imagine, and never want to, and lucky for us, I don't have to.
This new tattoo I got this week on his anniversary date... of that, is (past present future) ...
let go of the past
enjoy the present
and embrace the future...
3
crazy thing is though.. it is not always that easy.