The moment you say, ah ha

So lately I have been on this whoa is me kick, things go a little like this...
no money, no job, no ambition, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
fill in the blank.
I look out my window and stare, think of how much worse things could be...
I realize that everything happens for a reason, and I am by no means in control of it at all.
I have spent days, DAYS, dealing with a very strong minded little boy, who will remain nameless, but every time I look at his face I see that small part of me, grrr I get soo angry, but not at him, at me.
I know that he has had it rough, he has been through more than your average four year old should ever have had to endure, so he's allowed to be pissy and angry, and well as his mother, so am I.
I always catch myself right around the Holiday's turning into this grumpy gal, who is angry at the world, and I realize that I have a bit of control over that.  Maybe I get mad because this exact day november 19th 2007, I told my son's doctor that I keep seeing things in his left eye and he ignored me, then a few months later I find out my baby has cancer, maybe I get mad because their father still hasn't been able to find a job, maybe I get mad because  I chose to stay at home and be a mom until they start school, maybe I am mad because I don't have control over the universe, and then I had it.. I had that moment, it was like BOOM.


Graham You are my superman!

Listen, your life is not perfect, it wasn't meant to be, you had a crazy few years before you ever even uttered the word mother, and you survived, you beat your beast and survived!
Your Son has your blood, your genes, your will, your strength, he's just reminding you where to find it...
INSIDE YOU.. duh, all this time I spent looking, searching, digging deep in other things, and all the while I had to say goodbye to the girl I was, and accept the woman that I am. 

When were crazy!

Life is not always going to be fun, nor easy..  it isn't suppose to be, without any scars your just  average, and lord knows I am anything but average.
Sometimes you have to just sit back and realize it's not the overwhelming crazy dark moments that cripple you, but, the ability to embrace the wonderful ones  sure does~


So that is why I say ah ha, I will not continue to be this broken person, I will strive to be a bad ass and just keep livin like I have these thirty some years... right? No one know's survival like me, well I shouldn't say no one, because some do, were in a unique club!  Right now I am the mother to one of the coolest survivors I know!


The best of times!

Halloween 2011

Click here to view these pictures larger

This was a great Halloween for the kiddos, they had so much fun running around and being free spirits with our closest friends.. I really know we are blessed to have a great group of people we call our freinds... they are special to our family and can't wait to share many more! much love to you guys!

Stay Still

Something magical happens when you become a mother, for me I remember waiting after giving birth to the twins to just see them and hold them for the first time, for the days the twins were born were pretty amazing, but not what I had scripted in my mind as the day of child birth, on a personal level.

But after the moment has come and gone, that something magical has already happened... after that first gaze into their tiny eyes..

What a great journey this has been for me, and every so often things happen and I am soooooo reminded of this amazing gift.

Seeing them laugh, run, explore, touch, talk, discuss, cry ( throw some sort of fit) torment the new puppy and love him at the same time.. all these moments are magical.

Mother nature gives us the gift of  amazing weather on a fall day to explore, I think everyone can relate, throw  in a beautiful park with so many fall colors and leaves (DAMN I FORGOT THEIR LEAVES) to explore, days like this , getting just to forget about everything else and be a child with your kids, be together and Still, NO distractions, NO chill, just a bunch of ladybugs, dirt trails with a couple of four year old imaginations and I swear you have a simple sort of magic!



With amazing things to photograph... These are special days, everyday... WE live we live, we live.. it's soooooo often we forget to stay still~

Something about being sick

There is something fascinating about being sick, the world doesn't stop around you...
the kids still run a muck and need you, mother nature doesn't stop changing the weather, the world around you just continues.. but you somehow are stuck.
It seems like every time I get sick, I feel soooooooooooo defeated, so gross, so worn out! I have slept more the past three days then I have in months.. yet somehow I Don't feel refreshed, I feel groggy and confused.
It's like my brain is working but at a very slow speed... I am anxious to try anything to help boost my horrible immune system.
I Think sometimes being a mother has given me super powers, I still manage to get up, clean, do what needs to be done, play with the kids, hug on the man, and still feel put together wearing a mask.
The puppy is getting his exercise and potty time, the boys are getting mommy time, and even managing to help take care of me...
this shows me the most enlightening thing.. My children are amazing, when mom is down and out, they somehow know to lift my spirit... "Daddy we have to get Mommy medicine, she needs to feel better"
"Mommy, I love you, here's a hug... it makes me better"
and you know what folks? It works.. the magic of seeing them be amazing souls has some how lifted me to feeling better, my head is not pounding, my muscles are sore as shit, but I feel peaceful.. I feel special, lucky.. LOVED!
This is the magic of parenthood, of doing whatever it takes, at no matter what costs... and today I see the rewards of that from two amazing four year old boys!
Who are in need of a hair cut... ahhhhhhhhhhh the work never stops, but these faces make it all worth it!

Unschool

You look lost," the bird said.

"I don't think so. I mean, I'm not sure if I'm lost," the boy replied. "I really
hadn't thought about it."

... "Hadn't thought about it?" said the bird. "You must have some idea of where
you're going, yes?"

"Well... I've been following the path. It seems as if many people have taken it
before me, and a very helpful cat guided me back to the path when I started to
wander."

The crickets fell silent as the bird asked,

"But where do YOU want to be going?"

"I'm not sure," said the boy as he looked around at the dark, tangled swamp,
"but I do know that THIS isn't where I want to be. I guess I AM lost."

The bird said, "Ask yourself where it is you want to go, and then follow the
signs you already know."


*** I sure hope I have the power, the will and the way to keep my boys right where they belong.. free from other peoples agendas!****

Ode to Saki

Saki...

the meanest bitch in town

nobody should make her frown

when she's happy, she still stinks...

when you cross her, you better watch out, her toothless smile will make you shout.

Her breath has been known to clear a room, her bite will seal your doom!

Saki...

she has been with me for nine years,

her cute gizmo day's have disappeared

I know I will miss her when her day comes

the kids they wont notice, for she always jumps out of their way...

Saki...

takes her years to warm up to some, melted my heart on day one.

Saki, Sakajoe, Sakaow...

I love you so!

batteries....

Dad and his boys...

Dylan, sporting the face.

There is something to say about Fall, before having kids, I don't think I really gave much thought to how amazing the photos can be.
Today we set upon a journey to the amazing Brown County State Park, the fall season is at it's peak, the weather was amazing, the kids dressed to impress, Dad lookin smooth, me, um not so much.
The kids however were soooooo ready to be there, and they weren't even sure where there was, but in the back seat the evidence of "are we there yet?" are we there yet, was in full effect. I swear until today, I thought that only happened in movies and cartoons...
but once they were cut loose to explore the trails and leaves, all the laughter began!
The only real "suck it" moment, Not checkin the batteries in the camera... no bueno!  I did my best with what I had to work with... and the boys, well they were Picture perfect.
So here is to a wonderful fall... take one!
Meaning next time We go, I wont forget to check the fuckin batteries...

Brotherly love

Say what?



My models..

Just momma and her boys...

Good Night Indy..