I rant,
I rave.
I write.
I live.
I laugh.
I cry.
I am not perfect. I am not.
I discipline.
I dictate.
I have poor form.
I eat.
I drink.
I I I I I
I need more.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Been a journey
Wow..it's been sometime since I have written.
So much has gone on.
The boys are now seven. First graders with wit, charm and a bit of Mama in them. They still blow my mind with life lessons daily.
I started a fitness journey, three years in the making. Shed a bunch of weight. Lost friends gained some real ones. Life has been up down all around, but I've stayed grounded.whenever I feel like quitting, I remember why I started in the first place.
I starting working after all these years at the boys school and realized that it's really not my thing. I do it to keep a watchful eye over them.. Call it selfishness,it might be, but I don't care. I know they are safe and I still have input on behavior and get to see it with my own two eyes what's going on and I don't have to depend on hearsay. That alone is a blessing.
We are homeowners. Bigger deal. No more apartment life, no more close quarters with strangers and having the stoop where everyone was dumped. Buddy the pup, he's three now and lovable as ever. Sake she's still kicking.. But days I wonder how much time she has left, she surprises me with pep.
The best thing about homeownership, is the freedom to decorate and smile at the sun on my front porch. Not so great part, the odd ball neighbors, the boys so use to close quarters they solely stick with me. But our home isn't anything but everything we ever wanted.
This year I am starting a strict kettlebell workout and hoping to build muscle and gain confidence that I have always had just kept on the back burner.
I hope to utilize my blog more for the moments that need more than a sentence.
Eventually I will finish painting the new walls. Eventually I will hang all our artwork... But for now I take it slow.. I race no one.
So here's to a new year of stories and adventures in the Grateful Mind.
One love.☀️
So much has gone on.
The boys are now seven. First graders with wit, charm and a bit of Mama in them. They still blow my mind with life lessons daily.
I started a fitness journey, three years in the making. Shed a bunch of weight. Lost friends gained some real ones. Life has been up down all around, but I've stayed grounded.whenever I feel like quitting, I remember why I started in the first place.
I starting working after all these years at the boys school and realized that it's really not my thing. I do it to keep a watchful eye over them.. Call it selfishness,it might be, but I don't care. I know they are safe and I still have input on behavior and get to see it with my own two eyes what's going on and I don't have to depend on hearsay. That alone is a blessing.
We are homeowners. Bigger deal. No more apartment life, no more close quarters with strangers and having the stoop where everyone was dumped. Buddy the pup, he's three now and lovable as ever. Sake she's still kicking.. But days I wonder how much time she has left, she surprises me with pep.
The best thing about homeownership, is the freedom to decorate and smile at the sun on my front porch. Not so great part, the odd ball neighbors, the boys so use to close quarters they solely stick with me. But our home isn't anything but everything we ever wanted.
This year I am starting a strict kettlebell workout and hoping to build muscle and gain confidence that I have always had just kept on the back burner.
I hope to utilize my blog more for the moments that need more than a sentence.
Eventually I will finish painting the new walls. Eventually I will hang all our artwork... But for now I take it slow.. I race no one.
So here's to a new year of stories and adventures in the Grateful Mind.
One love.☀️
Friday, November 15, 2013
Peephole dreams.
Reborn, revisited, enlightened to figure out what on early really matters, she says.
The door slams, knocking the wind right out of her fragile frame. I wonder what it's like to be a super hero.
The strolls down the dark street, keeping an eye on all the mother fuckers she meets.
Young lives selling lies on the corners, with guns to pack the heat. Sometimes she ducks in the corner and watches the bullets fly by.. wishing they were just stars shooting in the sky,
As a million others make wishes, she sits and gazes and cries... her world has a different demise.
The darkness invades her eyes, someone set her free.. " What has this darkness done to me?" Strong enough to be what she wants to be, looking in the broken mirror shattered by her fist of fury. What do they really see? when they see me?
A monster? Or a beautiful Me? Dancing in a patch of sunflowers dreaming of the country.
She runs to him, He holds her tight, enough to where she can't breathe. "don't know what is happening to me." she whispers and he laughs. Holds her tighter, they are running out of time. Existing to exist. His bone breaking, heart crushing smile is on his face... leaving individuals lost in his game of hate.
Darker and darker they both grow. Looking into the ghetto peephole dreams, of little boys and girls crying. Their Mamas on the corners selling blows designed as dreams..to anyone who is still willing to breathe. Once the monsters are loose we see the pity in their eyes.. and wonder often are they still alive.
One day she does escape. Finds the freedom in her soul. Learned to love herself more. Never ashamed, never been so alone.
Remembering often that ghetto peephole.
Her door is much different these days. The worst has made her better.
Do not feel sorry for she, she needs no pity.
The door slams, knocking the wind right out of her fragile frame. I wonder what it's like to be a super hero.
The strolls down the dark street, keeping an eye on all the mother fuckers she meets.
Young lives selling lies on the corners, with guns to pack the heat. Sometimes she ducks in the corner and watches the bullets fly by.. wishing they were just stars shooting in the sky,
As a million others make wishes, she sits and gazes and cries... her world has a different demise.
The darkness invades her eyes, someone set her free.. " What has this darkness done to me?" Strong enough to be what she wants to be, looking in the broken mirror shattered by her fist of fury. What do they really see? when they see me?
A monster? Or a beautiful Me? Dancing in a patch of sunflowers dreaming of the country.
She runs to him, He holds her tight, enough to where she can't breathe. "don't know what is happening to me." she whispers and he laughs. Holds her tighter, they are running out of time. Existing to exist. His bone breaking, heart crushing smile is on his face... leaving individuals lost in his game of hate.
Darker and darker they both grow. Looking into the ghetto peephole dreams, of little boys and girls crying. Their Mamas on the corners selling blows designed as dreams..to anyone who is still willing to breathe. Once the monsters are loose we see the pity in their eyes.. and wonder often are they still alive.
One day she does escape. Finds the freedom in her soul. Learned to love herself more. Never ashamed, never been so alone.
Remembering often that ghetto peephole.
Her door is much different these days. The worst has made her better.
Do not feel sorry for she, she needs no pity.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
guess what? I got hired.
It dawned on me that in a month I will have SIX year olds.. what the hizzay? Where does the time go? Really?! Where does it go?
I mean I sit here and I think about the years that have come and gone.. and look at what has changed, what has not, what has evolved, what has me stumped and much of it is the same .. but at different stages.. ( if that makes any sense to you, which it wont because you are not me).. anyhow..so it goes.
Like I said, I really enjoy this Job. This gift. This blessing.. This ability to mold, the best way I know how.
this job is called life coach.
this job is called shrink.
this job is called what the fuck...
and so it goes.
One thing I can say.. is I am excited to embrace something unthinkable.
I hope that the ride is fun and easy.. which means, of course it will be a pain in the ass, and there might be nagging, and often. I might scream in the closet when everyone is tucked away doing their own things..
but it must be done. Right now. I have two of the smartest people around me.
I think it's possible to make good decisions and everyone around me might think I am crazy for wanting to.. but really am I? who gets a say in that ? No one but the man who helped me create them. .Me and . The rest.. NOISE.
I think the greatest thing about Homeschooling.. is I get a chance to prove to the world in a small way, that when you know your kids well.... you will figure out the method. And as a good friend told me.. "trust the process"
I began to" unschool" myself when I became a parent.. It's a tough process. Really
It is doing everything you thought was suppose to be done. Seeing that is isn't working in your family.. and then trying to figure out how to make it work. Praying the whole time you don't screw them up..
You have kids, you live in this perfect place.. and life is sooooooooooooo wonderful. then you wake up. and that is all true but there is no fenced yard. and you have to budget groceries for the most pickiest of people alive. Handle that ..and you.
I rant.. I write this not for you.. but for me. for me to realize that I can do anything. I can and will most certainly try to. I hate the fact that my boys have a hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot you get the point.. temper.
I can't change their DNA.. but I can help them learn tools to deal with it, in a fashion that for now works well.
So when I begin to seem distant over the next nine months.. don't feel you can't call me or hang out. I will be here.. I will just be adding a curriculum to our daily lives.
Don't hate the player. Hate the game.. ha.
No really.. my point is I will be crossing barriers.. meeting strangers. OH my god.. can I handle it? ha.. if you know me.. this story is not even close to over.
My point.. so much changes in a year.
They aren't little forever.
They do become independent.
They are not my property.
They are my children.
My heart. My soul. My inspiration. My Job.
I mean I sit here and I think about the years that have come and gone.. and look at what has changed, what has not, what has evolved, what has me stumped and much of it is the same .. but at different stages.. ( if that makes any sense to you, which it wont because you are not me).. anyhow..so it goes.
Like I said, I really enjoy this Job. This gift. This blessing.. This ability to mold, the best way I know how.
this job is called life coach.
this job is called shrink.
this job is called what the fuck... and so it goes.
One thing I can say.. is I am excited to embrace something unthinkable.
I hope that the ride is fun and easy.. which means, of course it will be a pain in the ass, and there might be nagging, and often. I might scream in the closet when everyone is tucked away doing their own things..
but it must be done. Right now. I have two of the smartest people around me.
I think it's possible to make good decisions and everyone around me might think I am crazy for wanting to.. but really am I? who gets a say in that ? No one but the man who helped me create them. .Me and . The rest.. NOISE.
I think the greatest thing about Homeschooling.. is I get a chance to prove to the world in a small way, that when you know your kids well.... you will figure out the method. And as a good friend told me.. "trust the process"
I began to" unschool" myself when I became a parent.. It's a tough process. Really
It is doing everything you thought was suppose to be done. Seeing that is isn't working in your family.. and then trying to figure out how to make it work. Praying the whole time you don't screw them up..
You have kids, you live in this perfect place.. and life is sooooooooooooo wonderful. then you wake up. and that is all true but there is no fenced yard. and you have to budget groceries for the most pickiest of people alive. Handle that ..and you.
I rant.. I write this not for you.. but for me. for me to realize that I can do anything. I can and will most certainly try to. I hate the fact that my boys have a hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot you get the point.. temper.
I can't change their DNA.. but I can help them learn tools to deal with it, in a fashion that for now works well.
So when I begin to seem distant over the next nine months.. don't feel you can't call me or hang out. I will be here.. I will just be adding a curriculum to our daily lives.
Don't hate the player. Hate the game.. ha.
No really.. my point is I will be crossing barriers.. meeting strangers. OH my god.. can I handle it? ha.. if you know me.. this story is not even close to over.
My point.. so much changes in a year.
They aren't little forever.
They do become independent.
They are not my property.
They are my children.
My heart. My soul. My inspiration. My Job.
Friday, May 31, 2013
The days in between....
Phew... to sit and just type at my laptop.. haven't done that in a minute.. truth it's probably going to take me weeks to complete this blog.. but oh well. It's not about how fast, its about getting it done.
I have been on an adventure in self discovery since shaving my head for St. Baldricks in March.. I know it was a great noble thing to do.. and it was for an amazing charity.. but what most don't know, or may not get.. is that wasn't the main reason I did it.
Yes it taught my boys to follow through, to make a difference.. that mom is some sort of crazy chick that says on March 8th I will we bald.. and at their age it's OK, , they don't fully get the magnitude of cancer and the destruction, and devastation. But when they are older they will understand. Those dots will connect and mean more then just a hair cut. The acceptance that one of my boys may have died.
When you wrap your brain around it.. it's hard to figure out.. It's hard to explain anyone can tell me anything but if you haven't done it , dealt with it, or feel it... it really goes nowhere.
I saw how something so powerful can harbor great demons in you without even realizing. On March 8th.. I let all that shit go.
I LET IT GO!
Five long years of harboring pain, resentment, fear... sadness...it was time... I look at those photos and I see the pain fall away... slowly.
Of course, I know that is just a small start.. but it opened the flood gates.I learned who will be there to support me, and my family. I learned that all the things I want and dream for us are possible.. it takes work, dedication and patience.
I made a friend whom I wouldn't want to lose, not now, not ever.
I started to take care of myself.. stopped the excuses of ,I am tired, I am this, I am that.. BULLSHIT. I am just being lazy..
Fuck that.. I want it all back.
And so that began the journey...
Now I have been spending my time with those who love me for me.. it may be a small circle of amazing women.. and my Best Friend of all, my main man, my other half... my picked me up when I was broken and hung on for 12 years, Michael. He doesn't even realize how just giving me that hour of getting in shape has saved my soul.
I have been seeing an old friend struggle to overcome addiction while keeping my sobriety, it might hurt her that I can't be a better friend, but I can't keep taking care of everyone anymore.
I have been battling a horrible temper in my child. I am realizing he is my child for a reason.. No one else.. can handle this boy the way i can or will. ..I was chosen to be his mother.. I am also choosing to read and educate myself and follow through.
It's never easy.. those who say it is . .LIE
Now since April I began running/fast walking /crossfit... eating good. Avoiding any and all garbage I can. I hope that once that pattern is set in stone.. My kids and Husfriend will follow my lead.and like dogs the pack needs a leader.... I have been the chosen one.
That also is Hard. And if anyone tells me its easy.. Fuck you. It's not. ( said with a smile of course)
We will also have some good friends move away this summer... to begin a new adventure for their family. I am excited for them.. I can't wait to see what evolves. I am heart broken.. but that will heal too.
I hope that the good ones that have come into my life and the boys lives are here for a while longer.. I think the lessons here is the Days in between.
For me the days in between mean this.....
Love your self.
tell your self it's ok.
screw up.
It's ok when your children have episodes. ( its' not everyday you lose an eye)
make up.
Tell those who matter, they do.
and for those who know me... hang on tight.
my ride is never smooth.. it's bumpy,, crazy and sometimes the best ride ever..
Ok burpee time...
I know right.. BURPEE?
:)
.
I have been on an adventure in self discovery since shaving my head for St. Baldricks in March.. I know it was a great noble thing to do.. and it was for an amazing charity.. but what most don't know, or may not get.. is that wasn't the main reason I did it.
Yes it taught my boys to follow through, to make a difference.. that mom is some sort of crazy chick that says on March 8th I will we bald.. and at their age it's OK, , they don't fully get the magnitude of cancer and the destruction, and devastation. But when they are older they will understand. Those dots will connect and mean more then just a hair cut. The acceptance that one of my boys may have died.
When you wrap your brain around it.. it's hard to figure out.. It's hard to explain anyone can tell me anything but if you haven't done it , dealt with it, or feel it... it really goes nowhere.
I saw how something so powerful can harbor great demons in you without even realizing. On March 8th.. I let all that shit go.
I LET IT GO!
Five long years of harboring pain, resentment, fear... sadness...it was time... I look at those photos and I see the pain fall away... slowly.
Of course, I know that is just a small start.. but it opened the flood gates.I learned who will be there to support me, and my family. I learned that all the things I want and dream for us are possible.. it takes work, dedication and patience.
I made a friend whom I wouldn't want to lose, not now, not ever.
I started to take care of myself.. stopped the excuses of ,I am tired, I am this, I am that.. BULLSHIT. I am just being lazy..
Fuck that.. I want it all back.
And so that began the journey...
Now I have been spending my time with those who love me for me.. it may be a small circle of amazing women.. and my Best Friend of all, my main man, my other half... my picked me up when I was broken and hung on for 12 years, Michael. He doesn't even realize how just giving me that hour of getting in shape has saved my soul.
I have been seeing an old friend struggle to overcome addiction while keeping my sobriety, it might hurt her that I can't be a better friend, but I can't keep taking care of everyone anymore.
I have been battling a horrible temper in my child. I am realizing he is my child for a reason.. No one else.. can handle this boy the way i can or will. ..I was chosen to be his mother.. I am also choosing to read and educate myself and follow through.
It's never easy.. those who say it is . .LIE
Now since April I began running/fast walking /crossfit... eating good. Avoiding any and all garbage I can. I hope that once that pattern is set in stone.. My kids and Husfriend will follow my lead.and like dogs the pack needs a leader.... I have been the chosen one.
That also is Hard. And if anyone tells me its easy.. Fuck you. It's not. ( said with a smile of course)
We will also have some good friends move away this summer... to begin a new adventure for their family. I am excited for them.. I can't wait to see what evolves. I am heart broken.. but that will heal too.
I hope that the good ones that have come into my life and the boys lives are here for a while longer.. I think the lessons here is the Days in between.
For me the days in between mean this.....
Love your self.
tell your self it's ok.
screw up.
It's ok when your children have episodes. ( its' not everyday you lose an eye)
make up.
Tell those who matter, they do.
and for those who know me... hang on tight.
my ride is never smooth.. it's bumpy,, crazy and sometimes the best ride ever..
Ok burpee time...
I know right.. BURPEE?
:)
.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
the urge to write it out...
Oh my goodness..
Scream and shout, at the tippity top of my voice..............................................................
No I wont, because I don't want to wake any one up.
Boys sound asleep, Dogs too...
Me with my self.. learning how much more learning I still need to do.
These past few weeks have been rough on me, emotionally, my parenting is being pushed beyond measures I ever wanted..
I am tested and tested time, and time again....seems like I am losing every battle. Will I ever win? Who knows, but I do know it's going to get better, I have job to do.
I just wish it was easier.
it's really a tough battle cry.
Beyond all that.. I will be bald soon.
Oh how do I feel about that? It's time.. it really is time. It's time to say goodbye to pain, hurt, anger, resentment, fear... and symbolically watch, it grow, heal, shape, regrow, get stronger, change.. ( just like he did, just like he does)
It's just time.
I am not sure how it's going to feel having people question, stare, and wonder, but not ask...
NO!!!!!!!!!! I am not crazy, I did this for charity, so someday there can be a cure, so other mothers don't have to stand up and make noise for our children. I might be a small member of something really big though.. and I started with a goal, got over it, and will follow through... do what I say, a lesson my boys learn.. If Mommy says she's going to do something, she does it...
Who knows what the next five years bring with these little men.. who knows how much gray hair I have that will finally start growing.. but, I do know one thing for sure...
the person inside me now is different than the person I was five years ago..
( Rant over)
Scream and shout, at the tippity top of my voice..............................................................
No I wont, because I don't want to wake any one up.
Boys sound asleep, Dogs too...
Me with my self.. learning how much more learning I still need to do.
These past few weeks have been rough on me, emotionally, my parenting is being pushed beyond measures I ever wanted..
I am tested and tested time, and time again....seems like I am losing every battle. Will I ever win? Who knows, but I do know it's going to get better, I have job to do.
I just wish it was easier.
it's really a tough battle cry.
Beyond all that.. I will be bald soon.
Oh how do I feel about that? It's time.. it really is time. It's time to say goodbye to pain, hurt, anger, resentment, fear... and symbolically watch, it grow, heal, shape, regrow, get stronger, change.. ( just like he did, just like he does)
It's just time.
I am not sure how it's going to feel having people question, stare, and wonder, but not ask...
NO!!!!!!!!!! I am not crazy, I did this for charity, so someday there can be a cure, so other mothers don't have to stand up and make noise for our children. I might be a small member of something really big though.. and I started with a goal, got over it, and will follow through... do what I say, a lesson my boys learn.. If Mommy says she's going to do something, she does it...
Who knows what the next five years bring with these little men.. who knows how much gray hair I have that will finally start growing.. but, I do know one thing for sure...
the person inside me now is different than the person I was five years ago..
( Rant over)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Fuck, arrrrrrrrrrre ya done yet?
Dear Country Boy,
I know you are 23, attractive and maybe smart.
You are extremly polite, and may even open the door for a lady, with out a doubt, you have that southern charm about cha...
but, heres' the thing..
I am a mom, I Have two not ONE but TWO Five year old boys who believe it or not, do hear you.... every night I think the jumping on the bed thing has to stop.. tighten your bed posts, the frame, move it away from the wall, I don't care what.. just please for the love of all moms who have to wake up and function the morning, stop making all that noise.
I am glad your getting some.. just get some quieter.
Not really thanking you, actually wanting to punch you, everytime my boys say.. Mom the ceiling is making that noise.. I can't sleep....
Broomstick knockin bitch comes to mind.
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